Saturday, September 7, 2013


When I start to know what the exactly means of love, I become more selfish.
Feels like this body no powers no energy, when I start to describe what is meaning of love, I could not even hold this tears fall down.
When I start to understand what means of love, I used to forget with the sincerity which has been holding inside, all I want it just that, what I want is just that, no more.
Loving you is like everything, this is that I am worried since the first time,
Loving you even never meet you, is best feeling that I ever have,
What do I do?
All those thing has happened, since the first time I typed here, all I want was I want pouring all my feeling here, wishing that I am able to forget you fully sincere.
I have learnt what is love, sincere, facing up everything, to be strength from you, even you didn't mean to teach me, but what you have done through your words were really helping me.
Still I confuse what kind of feeling this.
Big mistakes, done by you..
Even it is so, why I am able to forgive you, this self feels so hearty into you deeply.
When I start to know and little confess that probably I love you, I become so so weak, feels like I am the stupid person in this life, it might be me, the stupid one.

Dear The AL-Mighty,
I do sorry for all mistakes that I have done,
I do sorry for all sins which might be so hurt,

Dear The Prophet,
I am sorry cause of this, I might be hurt you so much with what I have done,
You do love me so much, you love us without no exception,
your hearty is really amazing,
teach me and show me the way how to you and The Creator best and perfectly.

Dear God,
Show me the right way..

Thursday, August 15, 2013


Dear Lord,
Let me told you one thing, probably you knew it, it is just because you can't share by talking or typing some words here without me, my finger.
This self feels so, I can't even describe also how is feeling of it, I would love to say advising this self to deny this weird thing inside me.
This self has been trying to work it out, but when the loneliness comes over me,this self used to say by its self that :
I will not ever contact you even it is just once,
I will not ever call you even I my self force me to do,
I will not think about you even this mind can not away not think about you,
this life is so messy when I started to know you
yes you are in great
yes you are having spirit
yes you are helping me out to see, stand and be strength of being me
Hey younger,
you do made me so turn around,
I couldn't not even think it is being exist in me,

I could not be interested to confess that I adore you,
Hi younger,
I beg you to hurt me deeply
so by that I got hurt, eyes and mind open to accept that I am not proper to heart you.

Discovering and pretending that everything is fine and still its line is being held on.

Hey you,
the one who burn this spirit and strength up,
the one whose high dreams and have big passion to reach it,
the one whose kind heart and kind to everyone,
the one who never measure everyone though their appearance,
the one who always do all the demanding of his parent,dad especially,
the one who can create calm and peace in any situations,
the one who care and serve all friends best,
the one that I am not able to avoid.

Still I have much words to say, but ...
Anyway I am glad to know you

I don't know when I should stop taking other different direction when I got that same like yours, even I realize that those are like camouflage of me. When I have bravery to face this...I don't know

Saturday, August 3, 2013

An Ancient One

This self never confesses that it is tired,

This self still be able pretend that everything is fine,

This self is really deny when I start to confess that all the things inside of this self is just camouflage,

This self couldn’t accept to confess that it doesn’t have strength like before,

This self is really betray confessing that

When this self is tiring, it can do nothing, even if it is just a words, this self even has no power to vomit it,

When this self is tiring, this mouth will stop to say, all which is still active work will be just mind,

Brain will work fast without any motion, lips, eyes, power seems not active,

NUMB, that is being felt deep inside,

LAZY, that is suffer the nerves,

INDIFFERENT, which is unable to be denied,

This self feels like giving up, what is the reason of why making it be, I don’t know

Probably, it is too much thought in its mind,

Probably it is too much held to be sincere and accepting all untruth from others,

Probably it is too much be patient to face up everything, all the things which is actually can not be accepted due to it is not appropriate, but all I know here, I can not even deny it.

Why this self getting lost so far, I don’t know,

Going astray with these kind of people and situation is not option,

Most of people thought that best friend will be like the best,

Best friend is not there in the dictionary of life, I don’t know what is making people lose the best character of being human, if I could ask a request…
I would love to stay and live with ancient man,

It is life where everyone is living, it's rough and hypocrite sometimes but a thing that should not be denied is the beautiful of it.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Blank just longing

Writing here like no one knows,
Writing here like no body knows,
writing here while smiling up on own self,
Yes, writing here is giving amazing sensation,
Even I don't have any best idea to write here, but let's just write.

I don't know what is being in this mind, but feeling happiness fulfills on it,
even my self knows best that I do miss my parent and family badly, and feel so bad exactly,
But what should do, just nothing, all I can do just give praying to them
May The Al-Mighty is and will be always protect them in happy in health condition,
May The Al-Mighty will pour His best ever blessing in togetherness

Monday, June 10, 2013

Not me but this finger

It is afternoon, what kind of  girl who woke up in the middle of the day, when the sunrise is spreading the ultraviolet spectrum, whatever calling for that girl, but she might have a reason.

This girl told me that she lose her eagerness to type some words here, even I don't know what the reason was, but I told her not to be like this, it is yours, it is your authority, it is your words, your own words which you patched here, you can write everything here in me, you can share everything as long it makes you feel better, no matter what the people said about your worse words exceedingly. You can write up on me, I accept your all words, even I can not give you suggestion of solving your problem by typing some more here make me feel that I have function and patching of your words here complete me, and I hope you will feel better after pouring your words up on me.

What is being in your mind? Will you please tell me? Don't you trust me again that you will feel better after you pouring everything up on me? Come on, you are not child anymore, you have passed your teenager also, you told me that you are mature, will have been ready to face up every kind of everything, but what happen with you now? Do you think that wrote and poured your everything here is mistakes? Why should you set the configuration on me just available to be read by the author? Am not I deserved read by everyone? Or you think that what you have been typed here was so worse? I don't think so, they love me and some of them drop message to you, aren't they? Or you think that all of this aren't not proper to be written and typed here? Well may be you haven't had ability to write best and perfect like them, but what is matter for you? You can learn from them, isn't that you always do? learning and learning. Or am I so shameful for you now? I saw that you are like giving up with your own words and your self, are you getting tired? Don't you have any words for sharing with me up on here? You told me that you don't have friends in your place now, even many friends are surrounding you, you said that you don't find them as your comforter, you told me that you found your comforter here, with me. Now I am here for you, in front of you with huge space to hold your words on here.

Why are you changing in all of sudden? Sorry to say but I think that you are so childish, and couldn't be called as mature as well, I see that between your age and thought isn't match, you are mature as physic, but I am not sure about the way you manage your emotion. You told me that sincerity must be exist in, but see, it is not just sincerity which should be, you need to enhance your mental, after all I do agree about the sincerity. Girl, are you forget that the world is so wide, but the living here just once, a moment, a while, you wont have occasion like you are having right now, so what is you waiting for, you told me that life has to be lived, so many things must be passed. Yes you are doing it, but see what a best coward of you. Now I ask you, what you have eve r given for your precious life and The One who gifted it to you? What have you done? Look you have done nothing, so selfish, you think more than it is required, balancing between your feeling and the irrational of mind is important, even I do know you that you will say that you have made it, you have tried and been success to make it balance, I do know you will say that, but look, the fact of the reality is not, it is not true that you are success in it, you fail, you are still so selfish, you want to make them happy, your parents, brother, sisters, families and all your friends, but look, have you already been successfully to make and fill up your life in happy smile?Can you please confess and realize from this fake of your camouflage? I am sorry to say but I am tired to see you who are always being like this. Are you really forget how you are three or years before? I want you stay in your positive selfish like that time messy fusspot girl, indifference in line, and never stop smiling, ya even you are now never stopping that one, but you shouldn't show up your smile when you are really not in it. Crying is normal, are you forget how to cry? Never stretching your lips which is recognized as smile if you wanna cry. Never hiding it off. I love you were, not you are now. Now just please remember how you were and be, I wish you understand what I said even I couldn't have ability and occasion to speak it directly into you. Why should I speak it while you are here helping my words patched here on me. 

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Coming and exist

Dear peace of white paper on screen of my laptop,
Let me say suite of words from the deepest of bottom heart inside me this night,
I got his news, he told me directly that he is not happy with her,
He feels so buried with her, he is so sad and full of regret, he told me frankly,
Let's not talk about love here, cause if you weapon at me,
I will say directly that deep inside I am missing him badly, but all I want here is not like this,
This everything is like back to norm, when he came and asked this hand, it is like a breeze air blows n fill up this soul, smile spread in this lips.
I am totally afraid and scare of him sometimes, I am afraid to get hurt exactly, yes I have not been ready, this fragile heart is yet back like it was before, and beside of all, I am afraid if my feeling that I had for him will be exist in me again.

What's wrong if I give him once occasion again?
This heart is still do with him, still with him

He said that he is not connected with that woman again,
He said that she is witch,
He said that she just trapped him,
Now he is realize at all, he confess what he has been done and beg me to forgive and ask my hand to be able held by him again.
He regrets so much, he lose his weight now, too much and look so thin.
I don't have any heart to see him in picture that he had sent to me.

Tell me what should I do?
Tell me how to face up on it?
Do I so selfish if I come and hold his hand helping out of his problem?

This is simple problem or probably it is not problem at all,
it is just thing which is so easy to be solved if heart isn't included here.

He told me, like he used and always said before that he loved me, he is still love this girl.
He wanna trying to build everything from zero again,
Even this girl has been trying to forget him, but honesty she is still unable to erase up him and everything about him,
But once again it is not talked about love, it is all about the irrational thought.
It should be thought by mind not the heart which is contaminated with love syndrome.
But it can not be denied that love is working and exist here, he is her lover and so she is,
even it is weird that they have not met personally, but they have this such feeling.
For sake of everything, actually this girl is totally afraid to have relation, boy friend and girl friend like people have, she has not been ready yet if happen something like... you know that what it is mean.
Trying to give everything for future husband, that she is totally want.

Deep inside he is good son and lovely guy, even sometime he is naughty and make her cry.
But you should know that love is wonderful even its hurt sometimes.

Today this girl told him that she ever liked someone when they were apart due to that, this girl just went to confess, felt guilty cause liking another one, even it is still being in little.
He didn't have any words, seems like this girl's word hurt him too much.
Sorry but I just wanna be honest and confession due to guiltiness suffered me always.
Deep inside even your responses is so wise, I am sorry and wish everything between isn't changing and wont be. This girls doesn't want getting hurt for second or more, even she said that the hurt in existence of love is and will be always beauty in wonderfully.

Love is wonderful even its hurt sometimes, but still it is :)

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

This girl and she is me

She said, "All I want here when I meet you, I just want to write up on you and share bout everything, I should be fair with my diary book but I couldn't. I always go into you and pour all what is typed by these finger up on you. I don't mean to think or decide doing before, I just think and my happiness is not decreasing at all when I know this.

I just knew her about one year ago even we had been one campus for three years. We started to know each other since we joined that subject together, I hate that subject much, If the time can return back I wont ever take that subject for my lecturer. We graduated together, but I has been working first than her. We meet again here, I helped her to get a hostel, then we become a neighbor mate for about one or two months, even it was so, she never slept in her own room, she always slept one room with me. We are like close friend even just knew each other."
Now they are together, this girl is happy cause she is not alone anymore in this crowded city, her family is far away from her. This girl talked about everything to her, all the things, she is really trusting her. She told about her liking to that one, she told his kindest and goodness of him, until her friend said, "I don't know him so close even I have known him since I was in one college with him, but you told me so much and I describe him like he is the good man."

This girl's friend had broken her relationship from her boyfriend before cause didn't get permit from her parent, such complicated relationship. One day they hang out together with that man also, not only once but more than it, this girl doesn't know what was being there in this mind, till little by little, case to case this girl realize that her close friend is like interested with that man. This girl said that is no problem at all, even it is little hard in feel, but this girl thought that sincerity should be always exist inside, in every part and also he deserved to get that.

Her friend likes that one..

Few months ago, she remembered that there was a one, the girl's sister had asked, "I have story, one day my friend told me, she liked a man, my friend always told to her close friend about his goodness and everything about him, like he is the most perfect man in her eyes. Her friend doesn't know about that man really, she just knew as him, cause her words about his kindest and all, her friend was like described him like the girl's said, she started to be interested to him secretly, she played and started to steal the show toward him, my friend is shy girl, she is clever to hide something, especially her love feeling toward him, it is out of her mind when she came to realize that her friend be couple with him, but she is totally fine and still keep the friendship does the through, time by time her friend started to know him cause they have already been in relationship, he is not like her thought, as my suggestion you should not tell that to anyone else, you know best that everybody has each thought of everyone, and she thought that he is not like hers........  "

I forgot how the last of that story, let it be, that was just story of someone's life experiences, anyone has own experiences, God has the rules, lines and all. That was just this girl thought, probably this girl is just worry, but why should be is peacefully. This girl said, "I am not worry at all. Happiness is not about we get everything that we want, sincerity is being exist in every each of life, while you realize it, happiness is in yours and it is spreading if sincerity is always being kept deep inside".

Let's leave it to That One whose this Life, I just wanna write here :)

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Happiness is you

For sake of everything I started to put and pour my feeling into suite of words, no one knows what is being there in me or what is being felt by me, no nobody knows. For me love is just worse, loving someone is just like not important necessary to fill up, what I meant someone here isn't family included.

People said love is perfect, it is fantastic and beautiful, it is great, it is making comfort when someone has correlated with their couple. I didn't say that you all guys need that, just try to flow and do whatever in you and life which is going though. People has each meaning of that, about the colorful of life, for them whose best and great experience in it will be always gain and proud of beautiful, wonderful and fantastic of life.

All here are perfect, all are totally perfect, people should think where this perfection comes from, where the feeling of love and the beautiful of feeling love comes from, peace of heart is needed and should be there in every each of alive soul. I could not disagree if they think that this everything are because of his/her effort made it be, but if opinion can be allowed here, people should think where they got effort and power to do support to be making in real. God must be in those everything, everything bot unseen and bare eyes. But here we will not talk about that, I planned to write and put some happy feeling which I have, which I ever has or all which has been holding in.

In one of Bruno Mars's song lyric, "life is too short to have regret" what is matter for anyone else if you so regret with your past or any which you had planned for it but when the time comes you are unable to realize it? If you said this words so and I hear it, definitely I would say that's not matter at all and totally your problem or mistakes. Could you please imagine how if that thing would be vomited by your friend or people around you? Myself will definitely say "No way, I can't imagine those all"
Wow, was it all what I went to say here?

***in my silence I am silent and thinking***

Roaming about Westlive song "Hey... whatever" should be best spirit word for ignoring and thinking that everything is easy, all are easy except the difficult one. When people did mistakes, can you please tell  me what is exactly in your mind? Are you happy for seeing their mistakes? Or you think and pin your mind that they are fool? If you think about that, then I respect beg you not to do that again ever, no one perfect, and you should know that this life is like a mirror, all will be like reflection, all good will come and bring the goodness, so please never ever think badness even it is just little part of mustard seed. I said this, doesn't mean that I am a good or free from that bad, I just try to do all the thing which is should and have to be done for reaching that perfectly of goodness.

Happily is who you are, and believe me, it is you and whom yourself when facing up this reality of these everything, accepting by the everything which is granted by The Owner Of These Everything.
Happiness is you, you are in yourself, when yourself try on reaching the sincerity of everything granted.

And talking about love, it is not a thing which is owned or passionate by anyone. Everybody has it, deep inside it is existing, deep inside it is sincere, like I ever write in my previous, quoted from one of movie :

"Love is never boastful nor conceited,
it is never rude or selfish,
it does not take offense and it is not resentful.
Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth,
it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope.. and to endure.. whatever comes." 

Happiness is in you and will be always you, just how and where you will bring it

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Yeah I am, aren't I?

I wanna be I am as I am before knew you,
that was six years ago,
when I was in fourth semester of senior high school,
Purma' who was calm girl,
who has not known yet the whole and rude world,
who has not known the sensation of liking someone,
who has not known the ail sense,
who has just known how to smile of happy life,
Purma' who never felt sad,
Purma' who was well known as Bahagia Purma',
Purma' who most people called her as the cheer one,
Purma' who always stared smile and happily, full of happiness,
That was Purma' as I am that I ever knew.

Problem should be a friend, said Lenka.
I am grown up girl now, I am not kid anymore,
should be able to face up, like Mr Bill Martens said to me in every occasion of our conversation,
"Smile and cheer up hon"
He is good man who inspires me always.

I am girl as I am,
little girl of my beloved mother and father,
cheer and innocent girl of my big family,
happy and smile sisters of my siblings,
that is what I am, aren't I? 

Friday, May 3, 2013

Near but Far

I am not following you,
I have not followed you,
I have not been following you, never
I feel that I just knew you several seconds ago,
I talked to you and so you did,
I told to you and so you did,
I shared story, life and also my family and you did,
You are like my close friend for me.

Probably people thought that what I have been doing is just about you and thought that I am your follower,
and who is know if you have that kind of thought also?
Whatever, for any kind of reasons, I don't care,
I don't care doesn't mean that I accept what they or you guys's words for me,
I don't care and pretending that I am quick well cause I am bored, I am tired with all of you guys and myself exactly,
Why what I was going to do, what is being thought by this mind and what has been being planned here are liked recorded in your mind..
I would love to change the direction when I got that same,  I did and started to get the other one which is different,
but what I am being done now was like camouflage of me,
Pretending that I don't have same thought like in your mind,
Condescending my self, and blaming on.

Knowing you is disturbing me as well,
but when I started to avoid you, I don't feel well,
I wanna be able close to you like before,
I wanna be able to hold you as my best friend like before,
I wanna be able to share all the things as you were always be the best listener,
Why are you so kind?
Why are you so good?
Why are you so clever?
Why are you so diligent?
Why are you so patient?
Why are you so lovable?
Why are you so mature?

I just came realize that we are separated now,
even the distance is not far as my distance with my family, but we are far
so so far away, I would even be able to meet and talk with you.

It is not my mistakes to know you,
It is not your mistakes I am avoiding you,
all I want is you are happy and feeling well there, without any burden cause those people's words,
I am not good in appearance and maybe for the attitude also,
I don't want you feel bad cause people's words,

If what is being me called as love,
I will deny it,
I am totally not match and proper for you,
you deserve to get the best one like you are,
and I am not that one as best girl.

And I want you to get best

Saturday, April 27, 2013


Sunrise shines from eastern horizon, like breezy air blows and wafts gently. I am awake from long sleeping, I saw them busy with their activity. Appointment has been created and would have been fulfilled today. On 8 am of GMT + 7 I have been ready for everything to go and join in that event.
I am not the one who like to ask, I am not the one like traveling much, even I do so then it is not because I like it much, I just want trying to find another ways to throw away a burden inside, all I want is solution of problem which is disturbing and roaming in me.

My parent is not parent who teach their children to ask any or everybody when getting trouble, all they said was "You should find the answer by yourself, otherwise you wont even find the solution, you can find everything by reading, books, the key is you have to read and love books, whatever it but you have to"

What is the destination of life?
Why should we work?
Why everybody want and desire to get job?

Talking about life and all about it will never end, everybody has their way and opinion about it, no one of those opinions can not be blamed, what I mean here is all those opinions have right.

Destination of life is doing everything in best and good way, Lillahita'ala, which my mother always said.
Reaching the goal of life, happily in this worlds and here after. That should not be proper to be talked again, cause everybody wants it, it is just how they describe, explain and mean of it specifically.

Reaching the destination of life should be called as working, isn't it?

And the answer of that why is back to the first point, cause everyone wants what becomes their destiny can be reached.

Still I am on learning it, and yet sure that I have understood at all.
Life is for learned, learning for everything, everything about knowledge.

"I reread this post which has not been published yet, then I asked by myself, any way when I typed this? I don't remember then just publish it"

Thursday, April 25, 2013

No words no title

May happiness fulfills your heart as always,
may happiness comes close to you,
may happiness stays and holds you tight always,
may happiness becomes your friend,
may happiness always surrounds you,
may happiness becomes you,

this tears such falls dropping, can not be controlled typing this words
I don't know but it is happen,
just I can't see you not in happiness,
all I want in you is in happiness, joy full without sadness or kind of it,
for the reason of this little heart that I have for you,
a little part of it which towards you,
a little part which I never expected falling into you,
my best pray for you.

Know every particular object is not me,
I knew however and whatever about you not because I am curious to know about,
those facts come and show me,
those unimportant of those everything roams and fill up this mind,
such air which full off the dimension of room.

I am sorry, but I should not felt guilty.
No worries cause I do know who I am,
may everything best of happiness grants on you.
Never be sad, or something else except smile and happiness,
I read your words and I saw how you love her,
even that your heart one is far from you now,
but no worries you will get the best,
The Owner of this everything doesn't sleep and never sleep,
may you will be granted a best lovely couple for your happiness like always in your expectation,
or even if you still need and want her, may she will fall down in your warm hug of happiness,
for any and everything... I love to see you in happy of your cute smile,
may happiness is and will be always in you forever :)

Monday, April 22, 2013

Through the screen

Dear the one out there,
I miss you, it has been long time I know you and I was doubt on you without reasons,
I am sorry for not able to certain myself that you deserved to get my trust,
Let me say and blame myself for not be able to be together with you now,
Sincerely I am not be able to forget you till this second of current time,
I missed you so badly last night, I don't know what the reasons were, but I felt so...

It is forbidden for me to feel this feeling so,
but what should I do? I could do nothing,
should I share this to my friend so I would feel better from this feeling,
I should and would love to do so, but see...
who are you for me?
I have shouted to the world and showed to them that I heart you before,
long time ago, without any reasons..
I thought I have told this before to you,
do you remember? how can you remember it? how can I ask this thing to you while you are not around with me again, while I secret this words from you and all people who I ever talked to them about it.

I just do not want they feel disappointed, or maybe sad cause know that the one who heart you so much before, the who probably adore you have heart to say a fact which the opposite of her plan..
One that I know here, I am happy and still happy in my cheers..
 There will never be a moment I will regret, you showed your self and have made me falling in love with you since the day you had patient to care and certain me to get my faith.
For all the love you gave and the patience of love that you made,
and those I have got to find the strength to say that I can handle it.
I know that it was really hard for the first time,
when I faced up the reality of broken plan.

I am the girl who stands up in the edge of time,
no words, no feels, no embrace...
Letting you go away was the best choice of that time,
just say good bye, a thing which I used to say when I got mad on you in the past,
a word which you always forbade to say, never ever say good bye..
Just smiling at on me, I just came to realize that I did,
I did deciding to say and commit it with truthfully of my heart,
pretending alright while keeping smile and calm of act was part of my way to cover up my broken heart,
I did not show the love for you that was being exist in me.

 It seems that until now I have not been able to make my mind up yet,
that is why you, yourself is written here, I miss you, but I am not sure that what is I am feeling now is true.
I have let you to marry her cause your accident,
I do not know what kind of heart, mind that is being in me,
I should be shame of myself cause knowing and heart you, people like you who is clear in bright that I may not have feeling with cause our differences, and religion is pointed here.


Probably... but I am not, I have learned everything from you,
I do not know whether you are right or wrong about there will be a one who will love me like your huge love that you have for me,
sometime in my lonely, your words still roam in my mind...
let me declare with my words here that I have been able to accept the fact,
but I can not deny to confess that I never loved this way before and no one else that I know loves me more,
with you I have laughed and cried, even we have been separated by million of distance.
That has been being three years we knew each other, but it was just once we faced up.
I am smiling by myself for once more, how could it be called as love while we have not had sign in knowing each other, limited by the screen and face up once, that first time... It was so relief when we know how we were looked like...


Yes I was happy that time, and you are too.
Again and again we communicate, through the screen you always accompanied my study,
through the screen you always joyed me in my sadness,
through the screen we always shared our opinion and fight when we had different commitment,
through the screen, through the screen,
again I am smiling here, and through the screen we kept on try to communicate.
And through the screen and reality, we are ended,
and I decided to do ending it.

Friday, April 19, 2013

I am blocking at you

I don’t know why this fingers typing it is so fast, I don’t ask it, I am not passion on it.

I am blocking at you, yes you are blocked.
It is hard to say, still I have feeling at you, a deep feeling which most people call it as I am your lover,
No I am not, never I am called myself as yours, your lover, never
That was just a moment when we used together, like we were helping each other,
Supporting when one of or both of us got trouble,
Sharing like friends, but we were closer, no one said and believed that we were a mate,
What a stupid of us, and I am the most
Still I am not believing of that, still I couldn’t receive that,
A truth which is clearly in fact in front of this eyes,

It is still you who roams in my mind always,
Your coming was like a wind, such breezy air blew my soul,
Into the deepest part one,
But those was just past, my past about you,
You who tough me the little thing of how managing the felling,
Even you didn’t mean to teach so but all you have showed to me, all has been absorbed by me,
All has been processed and definitely set wisely of how acting,
Still I haven’t understood you fully about why you are doing like this,
But from a moment that has been passed, I have been trying to understand and put positive on that why,
That widow and her daughter needs you more than me,
That woman and her baby in her womb now need more love than me,
That woman, her daughter and her fetus need you more and more than me,
Even what you have done with her was a thing, a thing which was called accident by you,
You don’t have any option to choose, a huge of your betrayal proved.

My silence, my smile and my peace here don’t mean that I am hurt so much.
Ssttttt fucking damn true that it is I am getting that hurt,
But I don’t know that silence, peace of my smile are true,
Yes I found time to cry that time, but that was just a while, no more than two hundred and forty seconds,
And after all, it was felt that myself wasn’t deserved to cry, hurt and feeling bad,
Like peacefully, sincerity bathed my soul,
I am not crazy, and it is true, do you think that I am crazy?
No I am not, still I am be able to answer the algorithm and question of the lessons,
It is just myself doesn’t let me to be down.

Hello, but sometime I miss him,
I don’t know what I miss at him, it is just suddenly existing, like being now,
But all is controlled, I miss you but now I just be able to type some words here,
Some words which deputes of what I am feeling,
A small part of my feeling for you which has not been able to be kicked out from this fragile heart.
How are you there? How is condition of your daddy? Your mom? Your sister and her little angle?
How is home? And …. How is your wife? How is her pregnancy? How is your step daughter? And your son who is in her womb?

It is true that I don’t hate you and I am not able to do so, what I said to you in my anger about I hate you, you are liar, betrayal, bad etc was true, but my small heart is like forbidding me to say so,
And I accepted what its said,
You are not bad, liar, betrayal at all,
No one never do mistakes, that is human being
And the truth that I don’t hate you.

Any way I am sorry for waiting me so long,
If I were with you and we were near for each other,  maybe that thing will not happen,
I am sorry for waiting me till your age becomes 28th more and still I couldn’t be able to come to you.

I am sorry for not able to understand you that time,
Thank you for your patient, love, and a precious lesson.
January 28th 2012 was last day of happy birthday which I used to say,
October 05th 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011 are a day when you always forgot  -_-“
Sometimes I used to smile by myself when roams a moment which is full joke, fight that we ever had,
Happiness and sadness, laughed and cried, that was you

Monday, April 15, 2013

Stranger by me

We should be friend and know each other like best friend if I realized and cared having friendship.
Yes, barely I said that I was not an active student in that college, I knew people just passed away, all I meant here was just I knew and said hello to them that time when we had in same and one time, like when gather with people for any activity or event.

I start to know you in that graduation day, taking picture together without realizing that it was you.
Talked in that time also, you mentioned your name and so I did, but still I didn’t notice that it was you.
What kind of human I am, but it is me, I got difficult to know and remember, like I said in my previous words, I met and asked people’s name, just for that time, saying hello in that and only that time.
That was bad of me, and may be still I have many of badness which haven’t left by me totally case I haven’t totally known and realized for all them, which is bad and have to be left and the one should be hold, till I find a case of reality of my life happens.

Now I am realizing, how important an organization and knowing many people, minimally knowing their name and relief a good of us for them. If I did that I would have many friends here even they are far, probably I was proud of myself, I was an active student when I was senior high, people knows me, a cheerful, lucky one, messy – too much words without punctuations when speaking, funny, open minded, love hanging out, and mostly work in treas in every of organization. Feeling much bored in that situation, that was one of my reason why maybe I was not active in organization or love to gather with friends when I was in college. I loved to spend my time in hostel and with my senior sisters, my laptop, my books and play around. Feeling so free that time, when I started to learn life without my parent who was always accompanied, like a bird which broke loose.

I should know you for long time before, but it is fact that I just knew you that it was you.
Just I knew you, but I am little bit avoiding you now, when I came realizing that there is little of my strange feeling for you, and I am afraid of that.

Unforgettable moment, but felt weird “Donat Madu”

Totally I am successfully to make this everything back to norm now, cause I make it be.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Tenses I

Today I would like to write a little experience of my journey, actually it is not a thing called as journey. I just visited to my doctor after going from work, but seems I am more interested to write about a little of English grammatically.

 Like I said in previous words, tenses is a change in shape (predicate) of verb in a sentence which is related to time (at the time when the case happen)

Trick :
  • If we learn Tenses, we will discuss Verb Forms and Time Signals
  • We have three basic time information, namely : Past, Present and Future
  • And we have four maps form tenses are : Simple, Continuous, Perfect and Perfect Continuous
Below I try to classify Tenses into a column :

Simple Past
Simple Present
Simple Future
Past Continuous
Present Continuous
Future Continuous
Past Perfect
Present Perfect
Future Perfect
Past Perfect Continuous
Present Perfect Continuous
Future Perfect Continuous

For definition of each Tenses I would try to expand of maps form of each basic time information.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Tenses II

My best and happy greeting for you all readers ^^In this occasion seems that I want to type and share little thing called Tenses. Talking about Tenses, our mind will directly record about times, to be, verb, time signal and etc.

Tenses is a change in shape (predicate) of verb in a sentence which is related to time (at the time when the case happen)

Trick :
  • If we learn Tenses, we will discuss Verb Forms and Time Signals
  • We have three basic time information, namely : Past, Present and Future
  • And we have four maps form tenses are : Simple, Continuous, Perfect and Perfect Continuous

Example :

1.    The students ……….basketball in the yard now.
         A. play                         D. are playing
         B. will play                   E. played
         C. have played

Trick: see the time signal of that sentencethere is now *(sekarang), so we use Present Continuous Tenses

2.    By the end of this month, my sister…………from university.
         A. will graduate            D. has graduated
         B. will have graduated  E. graduated
         C. was graduating

Trick: see the time signal of that sentencethere is by the end of this month *(berarti nanti menjelang akhir bulan ini) so we use future perfect

3.    Marry …………….in Munchen for five years.
         A. is living              D. was living
         B. will be living       E. has been living
         C. lives

Trick: see the time signal of that sentencethere is for five years *(berarti selama lima tahun) so we use present perfect continuous

4.    My uncle ………… Jakata for ten years before he moved to Samarinda.
         A. has been living   D. lived
         B. will have lived    E. is living
         C. had been living

Trick: see the time signal of the sentencethere are two time signals, for ten years before he moved *(berarti selama 10 tahun sebelum ia telah pindah), so we use past perfect continuous

5.    Rifa……….the flowers when I came to his house yesterday.
         A. is watering         D. was watering
         B. watered             E. will have watered
         C. has watered

Trick: see the time signal of that sentencethere is when I came yesterday *(berarti ketika saya datang kemarin) so we use past continuous

*(..) in Bahasa Indonesia mean

Friday, March 22, 2013

True love is abdicate

Do you think that it should always shed?
Talking about love will bear many opinions of it. People will shout and hold into what they believe and trust, not sure that what they hold whether true or its contrary. All those about are conditions which have been occurred in their life. I don't know where I get this thought, but mostly, people will say and hold every little thing happened in their life experiences.

Talking about this case, do I trust and hold the meaning of it depends on my life experiences?
I guess so, this self will describe the exact mean of love based with experiences. Talking about everything which even happen in life, this will not ever end. There are many topics, more over for the themes. I'm not type of girl whose ability to explain and give explanation clearly to everyone, even I have told them the detail of thing which is being in mind, they will always get difficult to absorb the information or idea from me. I'm not kind of girl whose much knowledge than any other that is why my writing is always worse,probably be ridiculed by everyone. I'm not that girl who think much or feel worse when people laugh at me cause my lack. I'm that kind of stupid girl, who have ever fallen in love with 2 man for this long time being. My first one was the one who had been being cared by me cause his bad thought to himself, yet never meet him, pretending that I received his love and doing fake like I liked him, it sent me to that thing called as blind love.
Just about going to meet, then the betrayal happened.

How it could be called as blind
  1. He is not one faith with me
  2. We never meet each other
  3. I don't know what and from his family background
  4. Receiving his love before, was just about to kick his thought that God never hear what he has prayed.
Was I crazy like losing my brain as long more about four years? Was it called as love? Was it can called that I fallen in love? Was it can be called as gift from The Almighty to learn how the emotion inside us?

I don' know how I call it as the strange feeling which ever I had. I got many lessons from that experiences where we have to know and learn how the exact of other. How to put the patient and sincerity, trust, promise, and broken promises for sure. such fool but it mostly done and happen to anyone who is suffered this pink disease. I love you, I love you too, I miss you, I do more and much missing you, mostly words that's vomited by lover. Love is one of well-known word which is known by every human. Love isn't a thing, it is kind of feeling, every human has their mean about it. Love is like a great feeling, but horribly sometimes. It is found deep inside, inside of small heart.

It is the second, but I am still not believe and sure that it is happen, then I know him, the one who I never expected falling heart, the one who I know him but I have not ever recognized him, the one who I should know him long time ago, just because my selfish and worse of me which is never serious when meet, say hello and in all about introduction when met everyone.
But all I know I am on reaching throw away that bad habit, ya once again he tough me, how to appreciate, how to manage the feeling and the egoism of the top of selfish.

They come to me and share their problem with the one like me, why? I don't know how to answer that question. I am just be able to smile and thank to The Almighty cause that, they said that I am happy person, and never be in sadness. I just smile while give a little joke to them. Deep inside of this self couldn't say any words. They just don't know me, they told and shared me everything, I accept and tried to give the solution of each problem, yeah I could do that, but why I am not able to solve the problem which suffers me, to whom I should share it?
I get confused and try to clarify by myself, even I couldn't get the solution sometimes.
I get confused where should I shared while I don't want bothering their happiness and though about my problem. He made me realize.

"Do you have problem? What is your problem? Can you tell me what is your problem?
You will feel what is exactly of life if you are really realizing and enjoying it, it is pity of your life if it is shackled by your stupid though, see the fact of life....get up and enjoy it, everything can be enjoyed if we want"

Do thank to that one who is always teaching me how to face up and show me up what the exact of life and how we should in it, yeah even he never doesn't mean to teach me so, he told me that he doesn't like to advise or gives criticism either, I don't care that, all I know I just be able to say thanks. I do want have words in every I am far with him, but every we are in same time, I never be able to say and have much talk, what I am able to say is about a rubbish things, I can't even concentrate even just a second. I have been trying to conduct and train myself not to be, but it seems doesn't work, I need more efforts to do so.

Well let's making be clear, like I ever wrote in my previous writing, even I like him, I respect him, I never have a thought more that I will be able to be with him, cause I do know my self, I am having too much a shortage of everything, while he has everything, he deserve to get a better best girl for his life partner.
Still I am curious to know who is lucky girl who gonna getting him, and he loves her for sure. No it is not like that, it is his life I don't want interfere or want to know more by collecting information about him, no I am not, let God who will be always be The Greatest Director of this life. Sincerity must be exist in.

Well talking about it will not have ending, so it is better stopped here.
"True love is shed, it is perfect, how can you love me if you are not respecting me?"

I should always remember that words, even I can't understand well what the exactly mean of it sometimes.
It is hard to do, but that is a thing which is true.

What are you feeling when the one whom you like standing with other man/girl else, even they are just in pictures and just like friends takes pictures them selves?
You will be jealous, won't you? even you guys tell me that you are not in jealous situation but ask your heart, is it felt strange, like going to get anger, high temper and something else.

"Peace heart will make everything will be alright"
If we are in that situation, can we feel that peace? Myself  will directly say, No I can't.

"So it is be able to be said that it is love? Isn't love peace?" 
Yes, love is peace.

"By rising temper when we see the one whom we like with other, it shows that we care with him/her, it show that we have big and true feeling of loving her/him" 
Is it? No it is not for me, isn't love peace? why such that feeling must be there? Yes it is difficult to escape from it, but for me, I have to be able to do so.

It's just image
"True love is shed, it is perfect, how can you love me if you are not respecting me? It is peace, sincere, does not mean possess, a thing that can't be owned through forcing, a feeling that is kept deep inside..bottom of deepest heart, never boastful nor conceited, never rude or selfish, does not take offense and it is not resentful, it takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth, it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope.. and to endure.. whatever comes." 

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Without words

Empty, silence, no words, scaring of screaming which is able to be heard by the animals and plans,
lip wont ever be vomit some words,
tongue feels like locked,
words are like unable to be arranged,
breezy of the air will be able to be felt by the human whose blood welled inside them,
family wont be able to help when the God's delegates come to pick up the released soul from its place,
best friends wont be able either,
no one will be able to help except his charitable which has been done when he has been given a life chance by The Al Mighty.

Dear you who is called by The Almighty today,
how are you and what you are doing there?
is the world after you living now is better than the world which has been being living by you and you left it all today?
is there any friends like you have here, when you are still here in our side?
are you feeling lonely there?

I am still feeling that you are here with us,
still I feel when your hand pulls my hands and letting me know that you and your friends were there,
still I feel when I met you and say goodbye,
I might not the one who close to you,
I might not the one who was always beside you when you were getting trouble and when you were in happiness,
but I am the one who used to see you from far incidentally and loved to see your happy smile when you had joking and shared advising us.

Thanks to The Almighty who let me know person like you,
thanks to my friend who had been invited me to join in that program so I could meet you there,
thanks to all member of that program which has been accepted me be part of their family,
thanks to the committee of the even which was used to invite you to come and share your solidarity as senior,
thanks to my college who has accepted person like him so I could meet him as his junior,
thanks to The Almighty again for meeting me with him again in one office even we are in different division,
thanks to The Almighty for giving me occasion having little words in joke with him in his closer to You,
thanks for everything uncountable which You always give, grant, gift, blessing and everything.

Dear you who is called by The Almighty today,
nothing which is able to be done by us here, nor your family there,
all we are able to do is just pray best for you,
may all the things which you have done in this world will be accepted as best practice by The Almighty and send you to the heaven,
may all the things which has been mistaken by you in this world will get the forgiveness from The Almighty.

Dear the family who has left by the lovely and dearest son today,
may The Almighty will give best strength and grant you more sober, sincere toughly.

Sometimes God doesn't give what we want in time near after we pray, God will always give what we need and best for us.

Written on March 12nd 2013 when the moon cast its light

Monday, March 11, 2013

Tell him

I don't know why I too much love this song, am I in that situation? this situation is just killing me, what kind of situation? I am just wondering with myself how could it be, and why should it be?
Just like a fool question, once I am injected this viruses love, then those such question will roam in my mind, is it really love or just emotion for a while?
yet I don't know how to answer that question rightly.
I just feel happy and fell so relax after I sing it, that time when I just came to realize that I ever sang this song to that one.
Those... just people's words that it's such falling in love or heartily to other.
But I think I am not falling love or heartily to that one anymore since I know the opposite of I love you is I can not do anything for you, seeing that one happy with his lover (if he gets someday) that is quite good, is it? Well I am not sure, but I will face it.
Well here we go now...

" I'm scared, so afraid to show I care, will he think me weak? if I tremble when I speak.
What if there's another one he's thinking of, maybe he's in love, I'd feel like a fool life can be so cruel,
I don't know what to do."

I've been there with my heart out in my hand, but what you must understand, you can't let the chance, to love him pass you by."

Should I tell him, tell him that the sun and moon, rise in his eyes, reach out to him and whisper tender words so soft and sweet, hold him close to feel his heart beat, love will be the gift you give yourself.

Touch him with the gentleness you feel inside, your love can't be denied, the truth will set you free, you'll have what's mean to be, all in time you'll see.

I love him of that much I can be sure, I don't think I could endure, if I let him walk away, when I have so much to say

Love is light that surely glows, in the hearts of those who know, it's a steady flame that grows.
Feed the fire with all the passion you can show, tonight love will assume its place.
This memory time cannot erase, blind faith will lead love where it has to go.
Never let him go..

Remember, the opposite of I love you is not I don't love you,
this song says that the girl never let her man go, how about if I am in that girl position?
would I hold him in my arm if he even doesn't like it,
oh my God, this is the risk if we love someone,
better we are loved than we love.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Difficult than Chemistry Task

Dear blogger which is always giving me a place to pour up everything,
let me type some more here while eating this roti goreng cake which has been brought by him this afternoon.
He came here to give back the hard disk to my friend exactly, while typing some more wishes words for his friend. Feeling worse when I am talking with him exactly, I do not know why, it is just scaring...
I am not confident enough to have some words with him, like I always false and can not vomit words that should be said, stuck.
I had ate this roti goreng cake not longer and it was about three minutes, I am on irritate now, my back is itchy, yeah it is secondly I ate roti goreng cake from him and got this thing, itchy. Actually he did not mean to give that for me, he just bought and eat it, just it would be strange if he did not give that, so he gave me.

Feeling so fool when I was in front of him, I even get difficult to dare my self to look at his eyes.
I even was not be able to do that while conversation was continuing. Deep inside I want be able to face up, confident and hold my mind, control my nervous and scaring which is unreasonable, let me try to do it another day when I have conversation with him.

He was busy with his book and pen, it was not his pen exactly, it was mine and it is being his pen right now.
I got that he had had much and more knowledge more than me, I got that he had knew everything more than me, I got that he loves to read more than me, I just come to realize that he is too wise, he has everything and more, even he is younger than me. How happy to have friend like him, isn't it?

I do not want talk about him much here, I just want to say thank a lot for knowledge that he gave me and made it as homework before his leaving. He gave thought which I have been buried and hidden it away long time before, well let me try to reopen the rationalism of this thing. You know that I do most fail to  say thank in front of people who deserved to get it. Giving thanking words to that one directly is more difficult than doing the chemistry task for few years ago.

I do not know how it could be, the strange difficulty, all I know that it is just happen in me and I just try to fix it.
Thank you 

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Him, that one, stupid or dumb me ??

By listening this song, I feel like to write some more here,
through this song... actually it is just hurt myself one more,
this song, I ever sang it, with her I recorded and deliver that clip for you
to show up, that I was happy here, even you were so million mills away,
to show you up that I was be able to hold up the relation with you,
we planned that we would meet someday,
but it was not like our plan,
you betrayed me, even you did not mean it,
you lied to me to cover up your betrayal there,
I do not want to talk it any more, never and I will not,
but this thing roams in my mind some more,
nothing to do, just be silent and little smile,
seems like this site just talked about it since I had created it.

How to distinguish this feeling,
I could not ever believe that I am in this situation,
such rush, unbelievable
there were many man who cared, but I just ignored it,
always said that I do not have any heart to make relationship,
but the fact, I had relation with that unknown man but I do believed and trusted him,
like I ever wrote in my Sands, Infinite and Sincerity must be exist in and maybe previous of pages before,
all was just about him,such fool, dumb,
where was my mind that time?
why I was so deep into him?
I did not love him exactly, he just got my heart and it was just about sympathy.

Again, silent and little smile..

How to distinguish this feeling,
I could not ever believe that I am in this situation,
such rush, unbelievable
it was just so difficult to kick him out from my mind,
started something which is called as Big Burden Inside,
None knows and  All I know I should leave him, but why should leave that one?
yet I have not been able to solve this problem,
also is it caused of that one then I am not feeling so much hurt and felt like this pain is covered up by that one?
or have I been able to reach the sincerity so that I am not feeling so much hurt and felt that this pain like breezy wind whisk?

I do not know,
but I do thanks Alhamdulillah to The Al-Mighty who is always heartily to me,
who granted me that such kind of precious love,
who granted me and all over people in this worlds everything.

I missed myself to like and heartily with the right one,
this heart seems falling in that one,
even it is like unbelievable that I and that man can be together,
the important thing is being be able to go away from him becomes easier,
since I started knowing that one's personality inadvertent.

That time, I said "You are my everything"
even I never knew how is you exactly looked like,
that time, I said "You are my everything"
even I do know that we were on differences,
Yeah that was my foolish, that was my mistakes and I do not want to come back.
Sympathy made me.  

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Seems Childish

To : Muh. Nur Arifin
Dear my dearest brother,
I know that you are in first grade of junior high school of the favorite one,
I also know that you are staying in boarding home,
I know that our parents have made your schedule fully,
I know that these is quite hard for you,
I do for sure that our parents has sent you to join at other programs for supporting your education.

Dear my dearest brother,
even we are separated, still I do care and want to be with you when you needs me,
I do want to hear your telling about everything,
I want you to be opened with me,
do not always be silent in every of each condition,
I saw that you are so patient, sincere and wise to face up everything.

Dear my dearest brother,
Let me say so sorry for not able being with you when you need me,
all I know I just be able help you through this network connection,
I do want to teach you directly,
I do want to help your study when you got some difficulty,
alas I can not do that,
I am so sorry for ignoring you sometimes,
I am so sorry if I am busy with my own.

Dear my dearest brother,
someone told me that he had gotten demand from his parents,
he told me that he always did what his Daddy wanted,
like he did not have options to choose what he wanted,
he did everything, he just be able to accept and do it even it is quite so hard for him,
he told me everything,
he told me about his life, family, outline of his experience of life, friends, also his girl,
talking about his girl, he did not talk about that, never
I just knew incidentally and suddenly,
we just met and I felt that I saw you in his self,
I do  not why I am so heartily to him,
I should confess that I like him here, shouldn't I?

Dear my dearest brother,
I am sorry for forcing you and pushing you up become the number one,
I am sorry for asking you to be able enter to the favorite one for you senior high after your graduating,
I am sorry for being messy to say, study, study, and study
I realize that I did wrong by asking you those things.

Dear my dearest brother,
I got news that you are sick and is being treated in hospital now,
I am sorry for not able to accompany you there,
I am sorry for not be able to be good sister,
I am sorry, all I can do is just praying, may The Al-Mighty will grant health soon,
be best always dear my dearest brother,
get well soon

I just can type some words here even I do not know whether you will read it or not.

Friday, January 25, 2013

All I know I should leave him

Feeling like breeze blows and infiltrate into the deepest nerves,
the one who is too high unreachable,
all I know that I should not have this such feeling,
all I know that I should forbid this thing,
all I know I should find the solution of this,
how should to know while I do know well that it is not reasonable,
it is just sudden insensible realized and confessed.

All I know I have to leave,
I have to ignore this,
I have to avoid this,
it came and created this worrying of anything,
it has been being exist since I realize how mature he is to solve and think those such rough of everything which comes in,
it has been existing when I start to know how kind and wise he is.

Nothing needs to worry, all things are nothing, all thing just passing,
even I do worry being inside, I do not know how and why it should be.
I do try to deny,
I do try to handle this own by my side,
all I need is pretending that everything is alright.

This thing works so fast,
plundering this fragile heart,
beating this, again for once more.

All I know I have to be able to throw away this feeling,
all I know I want to get hurt once more from that one,
and after all I will definitely be able to perfectly avoid him,
yes I has been doing it,
I am on processing of avoiding that person,
but why I am the one who always feel awkward when I am on it,
seems like he knew that and it made me feel more awkward,
making me confused to distinguish with the condition.

I have to leave and ignore this,
it came and being exist without reason,
and I do for sure, I can hate him without reason too,
it just needs time.

But the question is why should I avoid and hate that person?
if the reason is about he is unreachable to be reached.
No that is not.
Let me try to think and get the answer.