Sunday, November 30, 2014

Not Entitled November 30th 2014

It was such beautiful morning, even though there was not dew which full of the air
It was such beautiful night, even though there was not stars shined on the nice sky,
It was such beautiful day when I came out from my small room and stepped up to the outside,
It was beautiful whether, even the rain is not falling down and wet the ground,
It was beautiful room, even the temperature is not warm enough for body temper scale,
I thank to God for everything, I am happy and I am so gratefully cause of all those gifts.

God gave everything, everything which is needed, creating smile happiness to anyone who accept it,
Everything are granted, everything were accepted,
Don't know but it is just blank at her mind, wanna talk a lot, wanna scream any, wanna share a lot, wanna type a lot, but no thought.

No one there, do sure that she will start talking and type about life, but talking about this will just recall her memorize back.

Seems she is bored, seems like she wanna drop something from her eyes, like tears but will be denied directly if I called it as.
I don't know about her, what is in her mind, all I know that she is learning about the true of sincerely,
Hard like hell, but yeah she is holding out.

Her and she are all about me, the one who gets difficult to show up her cares to everyone wanted instead of creating disappointment by her behaviors

I am sorry

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

It is My First Time

I miss you doesn't mean that I want you
I miss you doesn't mean that I want that feeling back
I miss you doesn't mean that I can't forget
I miss you doesn't mean that I can't see you happy there
I miss you doesn't mean that I am in too bad situation cause longing
I miss you cause I do
I miss you cause I confess that little of you are still staying in part of my fragile heart
I never regret starting to know, understand and concern you
You mean a lot for me
You are someone whom get all of me, even I never gave you any
You taught me everything from nothing
You taught me how to see the world and blast meant heart feeling
Being with you, I was happy
Being without you, I am happy
Can't be together cause different faith was our decision
No, it is not, that was my decision
Love doesn't mean possess, it is peace and I am full of that peacefulness
Never let me that you are not happy there
Never let me to know that you are in bad feeling situation there
Never let me that you are sick there
I wont be able to hold back my tears and longing too long, never

Don't you know that I have that hearty feeling toward that one
I wish you know that, it is not me whom expect to have that
It exists suddenly, whispered word roaming, trying to certain myself that I know that one,
I ever met that one long before, first sign and my self just confess that it can't be forgotten
I melt whenever I meet or near that one, do control myself and certain that all is well and nothing happen without recognizing that something happen of me
And yeah that is my problem, even I can't deny to say that I don't wanna be frozen anymore
Still I don't understand what the exactly it is

It is my first time, you should know that  you and that one most I talked a lot before this read page exist 

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Not That Tasteless

No matter what, this is your life!

Writing here like no one knows, writing here like no body knows. Planning something must be important, figuring out about where and how we bring this life must be needed.
It is true that making plan is wasting time, exceedingly when we had already planned it but it is out of control that we can not supply it.

I am here to write, I am here trying to find a thoughtful for myself.
By entertaining my own here that everything has not been late, I am here.
All I know that I have wasted my time for nothing,
still I think that I am not useful, when I come facing up with The Owner of There Everything, I feel so worse,
no matter what people think when they read this, but it is me, just what I am.

Time brings me into this pretty world that I am living and staying around, although people will think and mock how this environment could be called as pretty much beautiful and fun. No one passes through my mind when I am typing these words, just myself, standing in the edge of time when all of sudden the weird thing came and is thought roaming in this mind. I am such a girl whose huge self-pride as well, I walk on road which no one walks on it, I take my way where sometime my heart doesn't want to. Still I confused where I should bring my life goes to, like the breezed wind blows the dust. In the edge of time I keep my silence and think a lot, trying to get what myself wants, finding what is being inside, sorting out the millions of feeling which one should I throw it away, the one which I should find and need the solution and the one which I deny just because I haven't able to accept or trust it. This life is complicated sometimes, yeah I am the one who makes it be. Trying to be wise, trying to understand mysef as well, love.... yet I am able to mean or realize it.

Trying to pour everything here is my favorite way, at least I could feel better. I could even talk and share what is being inside to my room mate nor my parents, even I tried to but it is different, I couldn't even get the sollution or they meant different. I love them, my parents, sisters, brother, family and my friends as well even I couldn't talk everything and all the things towards them, it is not reducing my huge best feeling toward them ever. 

Still I am silent in the edge of time, while thinking much to solve what is being in this mind.
Trying to browse some data and references to find it, I typed "plan your life" and find some of words "How fucking I have spent for long time by and what I could have for what I had have done"

Accompanied by Rosa - Memeluk Bulan this words are arranged

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Not a Trick

"No this trick won't work. How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? " – Albert Einstein

I thought when I am laughing a lot I could be happy as what I am always expecting for,
I thought when I am laughing a lot I could forget the sadness,
I could find a happiness to kick out this everything which disturbs my mind always and sometime,
I thought I could be the happiest person and useful by sharing happiness of my laughter,
Neither going and hanging out with friends or even entertain own self nor even helping enough,
Knowing that everything depends on heart, “Once you can find the composure of yourself then you will find the true top of happiness “

She talked a lot, she tried to advise her daughter always, I love her, do so love her
I wish I can be mother and care my daughter, son and family like her

What a messy, dull and dumb I am as human,
I am pulling apart without knowing what the exactly happen,
Am I shy to confess and showing up toward myself that I am not this kind of I am being now,
I am not like this, I was just having a thought that I don’t want anyone know me, myself, my character, I am.

Why and how I could think like that,
What I did was just push me to desperate what I was,
I want to back like I was being, when I was in Senior high school or before it,
They let me to go, find and studying so far away cause they knew that I wanted it,
They trust me a lot, until now I am still their little and trusted daughter,
Feeling so worse when I came to realize that something different on me,
Feeling so worse cause I couldn’t do all their advices,
I tried so but feeling like I can’t be a sholehah daughter for them.

Like another day, spending a lot with full of joyful and happiness. She accompanied me to pass this day , I went to go around this crowded metropolitan city. Iced Vanilla Coffee Jelly and Iced Green Tea Latte accompanied waiting the bus. Going to the zoo helps me enough to light my longing of them, my beloved family, because when I was young we used to visit the zoo. I love visiting here, the breezy air comforts me, green scenery helps me to kick out the stresses being living this town.

 “I can’t talk much here, all I know thanks to The Owner of Life for the mercy day of days, and especially today”

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Too Much

Dearest Friends,
I feel that I knew and met you yesterday, time goes by, running like there is no limitation. I do not know why and how come, when I start to know you and shared thought with you, I feel and find the exactly comfort of your words, it is little and not too much but by it I started to know little mean of something that I has been looking for. Thought that I would be able to meet you all day long for long, yes maybe I can even it will be rare.

I love friendship, but I hate it neither. I like and do love something which is called as love even I have not understood yet what the exactly mean of it but I confess that I hate it too. I laugh a lot in front of you and cry a lot when I feel apart. I am happy so much happy cause shared happiness by you, like there is no sadness, yeah it is true. Feeling complete even living far from beloved family, what I have here is you, a good happiness friendship.

It might be so much over, I could not even describe what is being felt by me now, feeling so numb, no words, empty, blank when I knew that you are going to leave, leaving for better place which has been planned by The Owner Of This Everything.  Sometime I forget that we do have right to have dreams and planning something, but He, The One Whose Everything has best things which are going to be granted to us.

Junior used to say “It is no problem, this is challenge for me” I will always remember his cheerful

Still I remember how beautiful of it, God is The Best Creator

In the beautiful of mountain scenery of The Almighty of AC, senior said, “Do you like him?” and I say not, “Loving someone is when you can’t describe why and what you like from the one whom you like, love doesn’t have reason, if it has then it might be called as calculation, true love will show the right way to back toward right lover, let me show you one thing my parents divorced, both my mom and dad were getting married with another else, I lived with my grandmother, my stepmother passed away and mother divorced from my stepfather, she always dreamt about my dad, at the end both are back be a happy family until now, I do believe that it is true love, my dad and mom’s love. You should not avoid or rough to someone whom you love or someone who is mocked by other for you, he doesn’t have mistakes or any sins being that, it is mercy from God, love is mysterious, it is magic, like Rahwana’s love for Shinta, is it his mistakes? Is it a sin? It is just … “

He talked to much, I can’t remember those all exactly, if I am not mistakes the continuation would be like this “His love is not mistakes, he just fell in love with the one whose husband already, no one can be blamed on this case”, then like I always said “It is back to us, how to conduct controlling own self”

“Getting married is the fate, love is destiny, we can have a plan marrying anyone, but can’t plan this love to anyone, because love is magic”  ~Sudjiwo Tedjo

Thank to The Owner of the Life, I met with people who love historical of puppet, my dad included, me and my ancestors.

I do wish you can feel the happiness like I always have from you.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014


Having but can't pour it
Liking but can't prove it
Loving but can't show it

Deep feeling kills itself
Avoiding is not working
Denying is camouflage
Love and hate are totally created

Writing is like nothing
Confused, give up, dejected
I would like to sketch what is being inside
But unable, I don’t have any courage even to sketch it

Talking and sharing aren’t working
Those will not help
Yeah this is my first in real one
Finally feeling that I am normal, like those women
Liking a guy, younger than me exactly
No, it is not that I hate him
I just feel different whenever I am with or without him
The problem is his everything roams hooking in my mind
Or the problem is I am too confident, but no I don’t, I am not typically of that
He is just younger, mature thought, doesn’t like talk much, clever, whatever his words rise my spirit and give the inspiration for sure
I am just like his older friend, common like the other friends

Putting label on my head, he is too high, too good to be reached
How lucky I am getting him for the whole rest of my life but people might say how pity he is..
I do thank for all the things with what I am being now, dear God
Also for the gift to let me know a good man like him
May all his dreams will be blessed by You
Just found in my folder, written 56 days ago and it is 19th March 2014