Saturday, April 27, 2013


Sunrise shines from eastern horizon, like breezy air blows and wafts gently. I am awake from long sleeping, I saw them busy with their activity. Appointment has been created and would have been fulfilled today. On 8 am of GMT + 7 I have been ready for everything to go and join in that event.
I am not the one who like to ask, I am not the one like traveling much, even I do so then it is not because I like it much, I just want trying to find another ways to throw away a burden inside, all I want is solution of problem which is disturbing and roaming in me.

My parent is not parent who teach their children to ask any or everybody when getting trouble, all they said was "You should find the answer by yourself, otherwise you wont even find the solution, you can find everything by reading, books, the key is you have to read and love books, whatever it but you have to"

What is the destination of life?
Why should we work?
Why everybody want and desire to get job?

Talking about life and all about it will never end, everybody has their way and opinion about it, no one of those opinions can not be blamed, what I mean here is all those opinions have right.

Destination of life is doing everything in best and good way, Lillahita'ala, which my mother always said.
Reaching the goal of life, happily in this worlds and here after. That should not be proper to be talked again, cause everybody wants it, it is just how they describe, explain and mean of it specifically.

Reaching the destination of life should be called as working, isn't it?

And the answer of that why is back to the first point, cause everyone wants what becomes their destiny can be reached.

Still I am on learning it, and yet sure that I have understood at all.
Life is for learned, learning for everything, everything about knowledge.

"I reread this post which has not been published yet, then I asked by myself, any way when I typed this? I don't remember then just publish it"

Thursday, April 25, 2013

No words no title

May happiness fulfills your heart as always,
may happiness comes close to you,
may happiness stays and holds you tight always,
may happiness becomes your friend,
may happiness always surrounds you,
may happiness becomes you,

this tears such falls dropping, can not be controlled typing this words
I don't know but it is happen,
just I can't see you not in happiness,
all I want in you is in happiness, joy full without sadness or kind of it,
for the reason of this little heart that I have for you,
a little part of it which towards you,
a little part which I never expected falling into you,
my best pray for you.

Know every particular object is not me,
I knew however and whatever about you not because I am curious to know about,
those facts come and show me,
those unimportant of those everything roams and fill up this mind,
such air which full off the dimension of room.

I am sorry, but I should not felt guilty.
No worries cause I do know who I am,
may everything best of happiness grants on you.
Never be sad, or something else except smile and happiness,
I read your words and I saw how you love her,
even that your heart one is far from you now,
but no worries you will get the best,
The Owner of this everything doesn't sleep and never sleep,
may you will be granted a best lovely couple for your happiness like always in your expectation,
or even if you still need and want her, may she will fall down in your warm hug of happiness,
for any and everything... I love to see you in happy of your cute smile,
may happiness is and will be always in you forever :)

Monday, April 22, 2013

Through the screen

Dear the one out there,
I miss you, it has been long time I know you and I was doubt on you without reasons,
I am sorry for not able to certain myself that you deserved to get my trust,
Let me say and blame myself for not be able to be together with you now,
Sincerely I am not be able to forget you till this second of current time,
I missed you so badly last night, I don't know what the reasons were, but I felt so...

It is forbidden for me to feel this feeling so,
but what should I do? I could do nothing,
should I share this to my friend so I would feel better from this feeling,
I should and would love to do so, but see...
who are you for me?
I have shouted to the world and showed to them that I heart you before,
long time ago, without any reasons..
I thought I have told this before to you,
do you remember? how can you remember it? how can I ask this thing to you while you are not around with me again, while I secret this words from you and all people who I ever talked to them about it.

I just do not want they feel disappointed, or maybe sad cause know that the one who heart you so much before, the who probably adore you have heart to say a fact which the opposite of her plan..
One that I know here, I am happy and still happy in my cheers..
 There will never be a moment I will regret, you showed your self and have made me falling in love with you since the day you had patient to care and certain me to get my faith.
For all the love you gave and the patience of love that you made,
and those I have got to find the strength to say that I can handle it.
I know that it was really hard for the first time,
when I faced up the reality of broken plan.

I am the girl who stands up in the edge of time,
no words, no feels, no embrace...
Letting you go away was the best choice of that time,
just say good bye, a thing which I used to say when I got mad on you in the past,
a word which you always forbade to say, never ever say good bye..
Just smiling at on me, I just came to realize that I did,
I did deciding to say and commit it with truthfully of my heart,
pretending alright while keeping smile and calm of act was part of my way to cover up my broken heart,
I did not show the love for you that was being exist in me.

 It seems that until now I have not been able to make my mind up yet,
that is why you, yourself is written here, I miss you, but I am not sure that what is I am feeling now is true.
I have let you to marry her cause your accident,
I do not know what kind of heart, mind that is being in me,
I should be shame of myself cause knowing and heart you, people like you who is clear in bright that I may not have feeling with cause our differences, and religion is pointed here.


Probably... but I am not, I have learned everything from you,
I do not know whether you are right or wrong about there will be a one who will love me like your huge love that you have for me,
sometime in my lonely, your words still roam in my mind...
let me declare with my words here that I have been able to accept the fact,
but I can not deny to confess that I never loved this way before and no one else that I know loves me more,
with you I have laughed and cried, even we have been separated by million of distance.
That has been being three years we knew each other, but it was just once we faced up.
I am smiling by myself for once more, how could it be called as love while we have not had sign in knowing each other, limited by the screen and face up once, that first time... It was so relief when we know how we were looked like...


Yes I was happy that time, and you are too.
Again and again we communicate, through the screen you always accompanied my study,
through the screen you always joyed me in my sadness,
through the screen we always shared our opinion and fight when we had different commitment,
through the screen, through the screen,
again I am smiling here, and through the screen we kept on try to communicate.
And through the screen and reality, we are ended,
and I decided to do ending it.

Friday, April 19, 2013

I am blocking at you

I don’t know why this fingers typing it is so fast, I don’t ask it, I am not passion on it.

I am blocking at you, yes you are blocked.
It is hard to say, still I have feeling at you, a deep feeling which most people call it as I am your lover,
No I am not, never I am called myself as yours, your lover, never
That was just a moment when we used together, like we were helping each other,
Supporting when one of or both of us got trouble,
Sharing like friends, but we were closer, no one said and believed that we were a mate,
What a stupid of us, and I am the most
Still I am not believing of that, still I couldn’t receive that,
A truth which is clearly in fact in front of this eyes,

It is still you who roams in my mind always,
Your coming was like a wind, such breezy air blew my soul,
Into the deepest part one,
But those was just past, my past about you,
You who tough me the little thing of how managing the felling,
Even you didn’t mean to teach so but all you have showed to me, all has been absorbed by me,
All has been processed and definitely set wisely of how acting,
Still I haven’t understood you fully about why you are doing like this,
But from a moment that has been passed, I have been trying to understand and put positive on that why,
That widow and her daughter needs you more than me,
That woman and her baby in her womb now need more love than me,
That woman, her daughter and her fetus need you more and more than me,
Even what you have done with her was a thing, a thing which was called accident by you,
You don’t have any option to choose, a huge of your betrayal proved.

My silence, my smile and my peace here don’t mean that I am hurt so much.
Ssttttt fucking damn true that it is I am getting that hurt,
But I don’t know that silence, peace of my smile are true,
Yes I found time to cry that time, but that was just a while, no more than two hundred and forty seconds,
And after all, it was felt that myself wasn’t deserved to cry, hurt and feeling bad,
Like peacefully, sincerity bathed my soul,
I am not crazy, and it is true, do you think that I am crazy?
No I am not, still I am be able to answer the algorithm and question of the lessons,
It is just myself doesn’t let me to be down.

Hello, but sometime I miss him,
I don’t know what I miss at him, it is just suddenly existing, like being now,
But all is controlled, I miss you but now I just be able to type some words here,
Some words which deputes of what I am feeling,
A small part of my feeling for you which has not been able to be kicked out from this fragile heart.
How are you there? How is condition of your daddy? Your mom? Your sister and her little angle?
How is home? And …. How is your wife? How is her pregnancy? How is your step daughter? And your son who is in her womb?

It is true that I don’t hate you and I am not able to do so, what I said to you in my anger about I hate you, you are liar, betrayal, bad etc was true, but my small heart is like forbidding me to say so,
And I accepted what its said,
You are not bad, liar, betrayal at all,
No one never do mistakes, that is human being
And the truth that I don’t hate you.

Any way I am sorry for waiting me so long,
If I were with you and we were near for each other,  maybe that thing will not happen,
I am sorry for waiting me till your age becomes 28th more and still I couldn’t be able to come to you.

I am sorry for not able to understand you that time,
Thank you for your patient, love, and a precious lesson.
January 28th 2012 was last day of happy birthday which I used to say,
October 05th 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011 are a day when you always forgot  -_-“
Sometimes I used to smile by myself when roams a moment which is full joke, fight that we ever had,
Happiness and sadness, laughed and cried, that was you

Monday, April 15, 2013

Stranger by me

We should be friend and know each other like best friend if I realized and cared having friendship.
Yes, barely I said that I was not an active student in that college, I knew people just passed away, all I meant here was just I knew and said hello to them that time when we had in same and one time, like when gather with people for any activity or event.

I start to know you in that graduation day, taking picture together without realizing that it was you.
Talked in that time also, you mentioned your name and so I did, but still I didn’t notice that it was you.
What kind of human I am, but it is me, I got difficult to know and remember, like I said in my previous words, I met and asked people’s name, just for that time, saying hello in that and only that time.
That was bad of me, and may be still I have many of badness which haven’t left by me totally case I haven’t totally known and realized for all them, which is bad and have to be left and the one should be hold, till I find a case of reality of my life happens.

Now I am realizing, how important an organization and knowing many people, minimally knowing their name and relief a good of us for them. If I did that I would have many friends here even they are far, probably I was proud of myself, I was an active student when I was senior high, people knows me, a cheerful, lucky one, messy – too much words without punctuations when speaking, funny, open minded, love hanging out, and mostly work in treas in every of organization. Feeling much bored in that situation, that was one of my reason why maybe I was not active in organization or love to gather with friends when I was in college. I loved to spend my time in hostel and with my senior sisters, my laptop, my books and play around. Feeling so free that time, when I started to learn life without my parent who was always accompanied, like a bird which broke loose.

I should know you for long time before, but it is fact that I just knew you that it was you.
Just I knew you, but I am little bit avoiding you now, when I came realizing that there is little of my strange feeling for you, and I am afraid of that.

Unforgettable moment, but felt weird “Donat Madu”

Totally I am successfully to make this everything back to norm now, cause I make it be.