I am blocking at you

I don’t know why this fingers typing it is so fast, I don’t ask it, I am not passion on it.

I am blocking at you, yes you are blocked.
It is hard to say, still I have feeling at you, a deep feeling which most people call it as I am your lover,
No I am not, never I am called myself as yours, your lover, never
That was just a moment when we used together, like we were helping each other,
Supporting when one of or both of us got trouble,
Sharing like friends, but we were closer, no one said and believed that we were a mate,
What a stupid of us, and I am the most
Still I am not believing of that, still I couldn’t receive that,
A truth which is clearly in fact in front of this eyes,

It is still you who roams in my mind always,
Your coming was like a wind, such breezy air blew my soul,
Into the deepest part one,
But those was just past, my past about you,
You who tough me the little thing of how managing the felling,
Even you didn’t mean to teach so but all you have showed to me, all has been absorbed by me,
All has been processed and definitely set wisely of how acting,
Still I haven’t understood you fully about why you are doing like this,
But from a moment that has been passed, I have been trying to understand and put positive on that why,
That widow and her daughter needs you more than me,
That woman and her baby in her womb now need more love than me,
That woman, her daughter and her fetus need you more and more than me,
Even what you have done with her was a thing, a thing which was called accident by you,
You don’t have any option to choose, a huge of your betrayal proved.

My silence, my smile and my peace here don’t mean that I am hurt so much.
Ssttttt fucking damn true that it is I am getting that hurt,
But I don’t know that silence, peace of my smile are true,
Yes I found time to cry that time, but that was just a while, no more than two hundred and forty seconds,
And after all, it was felt that myself wasn’t deserved to cry, hurt and feeling bad,
Like peacefully, sincerity bathed my soul,
I am not crazy, and it is true, do you think that I am crazy?
No I am not, still I am be able to answer the algorithm and question of the lessons,
It is just myself doesn’t let me to be down.

Hello, but sometime I miss him,
I don’t know what I miss at him, it is just suddenly existing, like being now,
But all is controlled, I miss you but now I just be able to type some words here,
Some words which deputes of what I am feeling,
A small part of my feeling for you which has not been able to be kicked out from this fragile heart.
How are you there? How is condition of your daddy? Your mom? Your sister and her little angle?
How is home? And …. How is your wife? How is her pregnancy? How is your step daughter? And your son who is in her womb?

It is true that I don’t hate you and I am not able to do so, what I said to you in my anger about I hate you, you are liar, betrayal, bad etc was true, but my small heart is like forbidding me to say so,
And I accepted what its said,
You are not bad, liar, betrayal at all,
No one never do mistakes, that is human being
And the truth that I don’t hate you.

Any way I am sorry for waiting me so long,
If I were with you and we were near for each other,  maybe that thing will not happen,
I am sorry for waiting me till your age becomes 28th more and still I couldn’t be able to come to you.

I am sorry for not able to understand you that time,
Thank you for your patient, love, and a precious lesson.
January 28th 2012 was last day of happy birthday which I used to say,
October 05th 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011 are a day when you always forgot  -_-“
Sometimes I used to smile by myself when roams a moment which is full joke, fight that we ever had,
Happiness and sadness, laughed and cried, that was you

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Stranger by me

We should be friend and know each other like best friend if I realized and cared having friendship.

Yes, barely I said that I was not an active student in that college, I knew people just passed away, all I meant here was just I knew and said hello to them that time when we had in same and one time, like when gather with people for any activity or event.

I start to know you in that graduation day, taking picture together without realizing that it was you.

Talked in that time also, you mentioned your name and so I did, but still I didn’t notice that it was you.

What kind of human I am, but it is me, I got difficult to know and remember, like I said in my previous words, I met and asked people’s name, just for that time, saying hello in that and only that time.

That was bad of me, and may be still I have many of badness which haven’t left by me totally case I haven’t totally known and realized for all them, which is bad and have to be left and the one should be hold, till I find a case of reality of my life happens.

Now I am realizing, how important an organization and knowing many people, minimally knowing their name and relief a good of us for them. If I did that I would have many friends here even they are far, probably I was proud of myself, I was an active student when I was senior high, people knows me, a cheerful, lucky one, messy – too much words without punctuations when speaking, funny, open minded, love hanging out, and mostly work in treas in every of organization. Feeling much bored in that situation, that was one of my reason why maybe I was not active in organization or love to gather with friends when I was in college. I loved to spend my time in hostel and with my senior sisters, my laptop, my books and play around. Feeling so free that time, when I started to learn life without my parent who was always accompanied, like a bird which broke loose.

I should know you for long time before, but it is fact that I just knew you that it was you.

Just I knew you, but I am little bit avoiding you now, when I came realizing that there is little of my strange feeling for you, and I am afraid of that.

Unforgettable moment, but felt weird “Donat Madu”

Totally I am successfully to make this everything back to norm now, cause I make it be.

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Tenses I

Today I would like to write a little experience of my journey, actually it is not a thing called as journey. I just visited to my doctor after going from work, but seems I am more interested to write about a little of English grammatically.

 Like I said in previous words, tenses is a change in shape (predicate) of verb in a sentence which is related to time (at the time when the case happen)

Trick :

• If we learn Tenses, we will discuss Verb Forms and Time Signals
• We have three basic time information, namely : Past, Present and Future
• And we have four maps form tenses are : Simple, Continuous, Perfect and Perfect Continuous

Below I try to classify Tenses into a column :

TENSES
No	PAST	PRESENT	FUTURE
1	Simple Past	Simple Present	Simple Future
2	Past Continuous	Present Continuous	Future Continuous
3	Past Perfect	Present Perfect	Future Perfect
4	Past Perfect Continuous	Present Perfect Continuous	Future Perfect Continuous

For definition of each Tenses I would try to expand of maps form of each basic time information.

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Tenses II

My best and happy greeting for you all readers ^^In this occasion seems that I want to type and share little thing called Tenses. Talking about Tenses, our mind will directly record about times, to be, verb, time signal and etc.

Tenses is a change in shape (predicate) of verb in a sentence which is related to time (at the time when the case happen)

Trick :

• If we learn Tenses, we will discuss Verb Forms and Time Signals
• We have three basic time information, namely : Past, Present and Future
• And we have four maps form tenses are : Simple, Continuous, Perfect and Perfect Continuous

Example :

1.    The students ……….basketball in the yard now.
         A. play                         D. are playing
         B. will play                   E. played
         C. have played

Trick: see the time signal of that sentencethere is now *(sekarang), so we use Present Continuous Tenses

2.    By the end of this month, my sister…………from university.
         A. will graduate            D. has graduated
         B. will have graduated  E. graduated
         C. was graduating

Trick: see the time signal of that sentencethere is by the end of this month *(berarti nanti menjelang akhir bulan ini) so we use future perfect

3.    Marry …………….in Munchen for five years.
         A. is living              D. was living
         B. will be living       E. has been living
         C. lives

Trick: see the time signal of that sentencethere is for five years *(berarti selama lima tahun) so we use present perfect continuous

4.    My uncle …………..in Jakata for ten years before he moved to Samarinda.
         A. has been living   D. lived
         B. will have lived    E. is living
         C. had been living

Trick: see the time signal of the sentencethere are two time signals, for ten years before he moved *(berarti selama 10 tahun sebelum ia telah pindah), so we use past perfect continuous

5.    Rifa……….the flowers when I came to his house yesterday.
         A. is watering         D. was watering
         B. watered             E. will have watered
         C. has watered

Trick: see the time signal of that sentencethere is when I came yesterday *(berarti ketika saya datang kemarin) so we use past continuous

Notes:
*(..) in Bahasa Indonesia mean

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True love is abdicate

Do you think that it should always shed?
Talking about love will bear many opinions of it. People will shout and hold into what they believe and trust, not sure that what they hold whether true or its contrary. All those about are conditions which have been occurred in their life. I don't know where I get this thought, but mostly, people will say and hold every little thing happened in their life experiences.

Talking about this case, do I trust and hold the meaning of it depends on my life experiences?
I guess so, this self will describe the exact mean of love based with experiences. Talking about everything which even happen in life, this will not ever end. There are many topics, more over for the themes. I'm not type of girl whose ability to explain and give explanation clearly to everyone, even I have told them the detail of thing which is being in mind, they will always get difficult to absorb the information or idea from me. I'm not kind of girl whose much knowledge than any other that is why my writing is always worse,probably be ridiculed by everyone. I'm not that girl who think much or feel worse when people laugh at me cause my lack. I'm that kind of stupid girl, who have ever fallen in love with 2 man for this long time being. My first one was the one who had been being cared by me cause his bad thought to himself, yet never meet him, pretending that I received his love and doing fake like I liked him, it sent me to that thing called as blind love.
Just about going to meet, then the betrayal happened.

How it could be called as blind

1. He is not one faith with me
2. We never meet each other
3. I don't know what and from his family background
4. Receiving his love before, was just about to kick his thought that God never hear what he has prayed.

Was I crazy like losing my brain as long more about four years? Was it called as love? Was it can called that I fallen in love? Was it can be called as gift from The Almighty to learn how the emotion inside us?

I don' know how I call it as the strange feeling which ever I had. I got many lessons from that experiences where we have to know and learn how the exact of other. How to put the patient and sincerity, trust, promise, and broken promises for sure. such fool but it mostly done and happen to anyone who is suffered this pink disease. I love you, I love you too, I miss you, I do more and much missing you, mostly words that's vomited by lover. Love is one of well-known word which is known by every human. Love isn't a thing, it is kind of feeling, every human has their mean about it. Love is like a great feeling, but horribly sometimes. It is found deep inside, inside of small heart.

It is the second, but I am still not believe and sure that it is happen, then I know him, the one who I never expected falling heart, the one who I know him but I have not ever recognized him, the one who I should know him long time ago, just because my selfish and worse of me which is never serious when meet, say hello and in all about introduction when met everyone.
But all I know I am on reaching throw away that bad habit, ya once again he tough me, how to appreciate, how to manage the feeling and the egoism of the top of selfish.

They come to me and share their problem with the one like me, why? I don't know how to answer that question. I am just be able to smile and thank to The Almighty cause that, they said that I am happy person, and never be in sadness. I just smile while give a little joke to them. Deep inside of this self couldn't say any words. They just don't know me, they told and shared me everything, I accept and tried to give the solution of each problem, yeah I could do that, but why I am not able to solve the problem which suffers me, to whom I should share it?
I get confused and try to clarify by myself, even I couldn't get the solution sometimes.
I get confused where should I shared while I don't want bothering their happiness and though about my problem. He made me realize.

"Do you have problem? What is your problem? Can you tell me what is your problem?
You will feel what is exactly of life if you are really realizing and enjoying it, it is pity of your life if it is shackled by your stupid though, see the fact of life....get up and enjoy it, everything can be enjoyed if we want"

Do thank to that one who is always teaching me how to face up and show me up what the exact of life and how we should in it, yeah even he never doesn't mean to teach me so, he told me that he doesn't like to advise or gives criticism either, I don't care that, all I know I just be able to say thanks. I do want have words in every I am far with him, but every we are in same time, I never be able to say and have much talk, what I am able to say is about a rubbish things, I can't even concentrate even just a second. I have been trying to conduct and train myself not to be, but it seems doesn't work, I need more efforts to do so.

Well let's making be clear, like I ever wrote in my previous writing, even I like him, I respect him, I never have a thought more that I will be able to be with him, cause I do know my self, I am having too much a shortage of everything, while he has everything, he deserve to get a better best girl for his life partner.
Still I am curious to know who is lucky girl who gonna getting him, and he loves her for sure. No it is not like that, it is his life I don't want interfere or want to know more by collecting information about him, no I am not, let God who will be always be The Greatest Director of this life. Sincerity must be exist in.

Well talking about it will not have ending, so it is better stopped here.
"True love is shed, it is perfect, how can you love me if you are not respecting me?"

I should always remember that words, even I can't understand well what the exactly mean of it sometimes.
It is hard to do, but that is a thing which is true.

What are you feeling when the one whom you like standing with other man/girl else, even they are just in pictures and just like friends takes pictures them selves?
You will be jealous, won't you? even you guys tell me that you are not in jealous situation but ask your heart, is it felt strange, like going to get anger, high temper and something else.

"Peace heart will make everything will be alright"
If we are in that situation, can we feel that peace? Myself  will directly say, No I can't.

"So it is be able to be said that it is love? Isn't love peace?" 
Yes, love is peace.

"By rising temper when we see the one whom we like with other, it shows that we care with him/her, it show that we have big and true feeling of loving her/him" 
Is it? No it is not for me, isn't love peace? why such that feeling must be there? Yes it is difficult to escape from it, but for me, I have to be able to do so.

It's just image

"True love is shed, it is perfect, how can you love me if you are not respecting me? It is peace, sincere, does not mean possess, a thing that can't be owned through forcing, a feeling that is kept deep inside..bottom of deepest heart, never boastful nor conceited, never rude or selfish, does not take offense and it is not resentful, it takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth, it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope.. and to endure.. whatever comes." 

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Without words

Empty, silence, no words, scaring of screaming which is able to be heard by the animals and plans,
lip wont ever be vomit some words,
tongue feels like locked,
words are like unable to be arranged,
breezy of the air will be able to be felt by the human whose blood welled inside them,
family wont be able to help when the God's delegates come to pick up the released soul from its place,
best friends wont be able either,
no one will be able to help except his charitable which has been done when he has been given a life chance by The Al Mighty.

Dear you who is called by The Almighty today,
how are you and what you are doing there?
is the world after you living now is better than the world which has been being living by you and you left it all today?
is there any friends like you have here, when you are still here in our side?
are you feeling lonely there?

I am still feeling that you are here with us,
still I feel when your hand pulls my hands and letting me know that you and your friends were there,
still I feel when I met you and say goodbye,
I might not the one who close to you,
I might not the one who was always beside you when you were getting trouble and when you were in happiness,
but I am the one who used to see you from far incidentally and loved to see your happy smile when you had joking and shared advising us.

Thanks to The Almighty who let me know person like you,
thanks to my friend who had been invited me to join in that program so I could meet you there,
thanks to all member of that program which has been accepted me be part of their family,
thanks to the committee of the even which was used to invite you to come and share your solidarity as senior,
thanks to my college who has accepted person like him so I could meet him as his junior,
thanks to The Almighty again for meeting me with him again in one office even we are in different division,
thanks to The Almighty for giving me occasion having little words in joke with him in his closer to You,
thanks for everything uncountable which You always give, grant, gift, blessing and everything.

Dear you who is called by The Almighty today,
nothing which is able to be done by us here, nor your family there,
all we are able to do is just pray best for you,
may all the things which you have done in this world will be accepted as best practice by The Almighty and send you to the heaven,
may all the things which has been mistaken by you in this world will get the forgiveness from The Almighty.

Dear the family who has left by the lovely and dearest son today,
may The Almighty will give best strength and grant you more sober, sincere toughly.

Sometimes God doesn't give what we want in time near after we pray, God will always give what we need and best for us.

Written on March 12nd 2013 when the moon cast its light

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Tell him

I don't know why I too much love this song, am I in that situation? this situation is just killing me, what kind of situation? I am just wondering with myself how could it be, and why should it be?

Just like a fool question, once I am injected this viruses love, then those such question will roam in my mind, is it really love or just emotion for a while?

yet I don't know how to answer that question rightly.

I just feel happy and fell so relax after I sing it, that time when I just came to realize that I ever sang this song to that one.

Those... just people's words that it's such falling in love or heartily to other.

But I think I am not falling love or heartily to that one anymore since I know the opposite of I love you is I can not do anything for you, seeing that one happy with his lover (if he gets someday) that is quite good, is it? Well I am not sure, but I will face it.

Well here we go now...

Tell him - Celine Dion ft Barbra Streisand

" I'm scared, so afraid to show I care, will he think me weak? if I tremble when I speak.

What if there's another one he's thinking of, maybe he's in love, I'd feel like a fool life can be so cruel,

I don't know what to do."

I've been there with my heart out in my hand, but what you must understand, you can't let the chance, to love him pass you by."

Should I tell him, tell him that the sun and moon, rise in his eyes, reach out to him and whisper tender words so soft and sweet, hold him close to feel his heart beat, love will be the gift you give yourself.

Touch him with the gentleness you feel inside, your love can't be denied, the truth will set you free, you'll have what's mean to be, all in time you'll see.

I love him of that much I can be sure, I don't think I could endure, if I let him walk away, when I have so much to say

Love is light that surely glows, in the hearts of those who know, it's a steady flame that grows.

Feed the fire with all the passion you can show, tonight love will assume its place.

This memory time cannot erase, blind faith will lead love where it has to go.

Never let him go..

Remember, the opposite of I love you is not I don't love you,

this song says that the girl never let her man go, how about if I am in that girl position?

would I hold him in my arm if he even doesn't like it,

oh my God, this is the risk if we love someone,

better we are loved than we love.

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