Difficult than Chemistry Task

Dear blogger which is always giving me a place to pour up everything,
let me type some more here while eating this roti goreng cake which has been brought by him this afternoon.
He came here to give back the hard disk to my friend exactly, while typing some more wishes words for his friend. Feeling worse when I am talking with him exactly, I do not know why, it is just scaring...
I am not confident enough to have some words with him, like I always false and can not vomit words that should be said, stuck.
I had ate this roti goreng cake not longer and it was about three minutes, I am on irritate now, my back is itchy, yeah it is secondly I ate roti goreng cake from him and got this thing, itchy. Actually he did not mean to give that for me, he just bought and eat it, just it would be strange if he did not give that, so he gave me.

Feeling so fool when I was in front of him, I even get difficult to dare my self to look at his eyes.
I even was not be able to do that while conversation was continuing. Deep inside I want be able to face up, confident and hold my mind, control my nervous and scaring which is unreasonable, let me try to do it another day when I have conversation with him.

He was busy with his book and pen, it was not his pen exactly, it was mine and it is being his pen right now.
I got that he had had much and more knowledge more than me, I got that he had knew everything more than me, I got that he loves to read more than me, I just come to realize that he is too wise, he has everything and more, even he is younger than me. How happy to have friend like him, isn't it?

I do not want talk about him much here, I just want to say thank a lot for knowledge that he gave me and made it as homework before his leaving. He gave thought which I have been buried and hidden it away long time before, well let me try to reopen the rationalism of this thing. You know that I do most fail to  say thank in front of people who deserved to get it. Giving thanking words to that one directly is more difficult than doing the chemistry task for few years ago.

I do not know how it could be, the strange difficulty, all I know that it is just happen in me and I just try to fix it.

Thank you 

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Him, that one, stupid or dumb me ??

By listening this song, I feel like to write some more here,

through this song... actually it is just hurt myself one more,
this song, I ever sang it, with her I recorded and deliver that clip for you
to show up, that I was happy here, even you were so million mills away,
to show you up that I was be able to hold up the relation with you,
we planned that we would meet someday,
but it was not like our plan,
you betrayed me, even you did not mean it,
you lied to me to cover up your betrayal there,
I do not want to talk it any more, never and I will not,
but this thing roams in my mind some more,
nothing to do, just be silent and little smile,
seems like this site just talked about it since I had created it.

How to distinguish this feeling,
I could not ever believe that I am in this situation,
such rush, unbelievable
there were many man who cared, but I just ignored it,
always said that I do not have any heart to make relationship,
but the fact, I had relation with that unknown man but I do believed and trusted him,
like I ever wrote in my Sands, Infinite and Sincerity must be exist in and maybe previous of pages before,
all was just about him,such fool, dumb,
where was my mind that time?
why I was so deep into him?
I did not love him exactly, he just got my heart and it was just about sympathy.

Again, silent and little smile..

How to distinguish this feeling,
I could not ever believe that I am in this situation,
such rush, unbelievable
it was just so difficult to kick him out from my mind,
started something which is called as Big Burden Inside,
None knows and  All I know I should leave him, but why should leave that one?
yet I have not been able to solve this problem,
also is it caused of that one then I am not feeling so much hurt and felt like this pain is covered up by that one?
or have I been able to reach the sincerity so that I am not feeling so much hurt and felt that this pain like breezy wind whisk?

I do not know,
but I do thanks Alhamdulillah to The Al-Mighty who is always heartily to me,
who granted me that such kind of precious love,
who granted me and all over people in this worlds everything.

I missed myself to like and heartily with the right one,
this heart seems falling in that one,
even it is like unbelievable that I and that man can be together,
the important thing is being be able to go away from him becomes easier,
since I started knowing that one's personality inadvertent.

That time, I said "You are my everything"
even I never knew how is you exactly looked like,
that time, I said "You are my everything"
even I do know that we were on differences,
Yeah that was my foolish, that was my mistakes and I do not want to come back.
Sympathy made me.  

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Seems Childish

To : Muh. Nur Arifin

Dear my dearest brother,
I know that you are in first grade of junior high school of the favorite one,
I also know that you are staying in boarding home,
I know that our parents have made your schedule fully,
I know that these is quite hard for you,
I do for sure that our parents has sent you to join at other programs for supporting your education.

Dear my dearest brother,
even we are separated, still I do care and want to be with you when you needs me,
I do want to hear your telling about everything,
I want you to be opened with me,
do not always be silent in every of each condition,
I saw that you are so patient, sincere and wise to face up everything.

Dear my dearest brother,
Let me say so sorry for not able being with you when you need me,
all I know I just be able help you through this network connection,
I do want to teach you directly,
I do want to help your study when you got some difficulty,
alas I can not do that,
I am so sorry for ignoring you sometimes,
I am so sorry if I am busy with my own.

Dear my dearest brother,
someone told me that he had gotten demand from his parents,
he told me that he always did what his Daddy wanted,
like he did not have options to choose what he wanted,
he did everything, he just be able to accept and do it even it is quite so hard for him,
he told me everything,
he told me about his life, family, outline of his experience of life, friends, also his girl,
talking about his girl, he did not talk about that, never
I just knew incidentally and suddenly,
we just met and I felt that I saw you in his self,
I do  not why I am so heartily to him,
I should confess that I like him here, shouldn't I?

Dear my dearest brother,
I am sorry for forcing you and pushing you up become the number one,
I am sorry for asking you to be able enter to the favorite one for you senior high after your graduating,
I am sorry for being messy to say, study, study, and study
I realize that I did wrong by asking you those things.

Dear my dearest brother,
I got news that you are sick and is being treated in hospital now,
I am sorry for not able to accompany you there,
I am sorry for not be able to be good sister,
I am sorry, all I can do is just praying, may The Al-Mighty will grant health soon,
be best always dear my dearest brother,
get well soon

I just can type some words here even I do not know whether you will read it or not.

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All I know I should leave him

Feeling like breeze blows and infiltrate into the deepest nerves,
the one who is too high unreachable,
all I know that I should not have this such feeling,
all I know that I should forbid this thing,
all I know I should find the solution of this,
how should to know while I do know well that it is not reasonable,
it is just sudden insensible realized and confessed.

All I know I have to leave,
I have to ignore this,
I have to avoid this,
it came and created this worrying of anything,
it has been being exist since I realize how mature he is to solve and think those such rough of everything which comes in,
it has been existing when I start to know how kind and wise he is.

Nothing needs to worry, all things are nothing, all thing just passing,
even I do worry being inside, I do not know how and why it should be.
I do try to deny,
I do try to handle this own by my side,
all I need is pretending that everything is alright.

This thing works so fast,
plundering this fragile heart,
beating this, again for once more.

All I know I have to be able to throw away this feeling,
all I know I want to get hurt once more from that one,
and after all I will definitely be able to perfectly avoid him,
yes I has been doing it,
I am on processing of avoiding that person,
but why I am the one who always feel awkward when I am on it,
seems like he knew that and it made me feel more awkward,
making me confused to distinguish with the condition.

I have to leave and ignore this,
it came and being exist without reason,
and I do for sure, I can hate him without reason too,
it just needs time.

But the question is why should I avoid and hate that person?
if the reason is about he is unreachable to be reached.
No that is not.
Let me try to think and get the answer.

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Sincerity must be exist in

Tell me how to accept this situation,
when I am dare to face up and growth,
when I start to understand and accept the condition,
when I come to realize that it is forbidden,
when I start to leave and try accepting to leave the one who have been being heartily,
when the sincerity is being trained,
Yes I am ready to leave, but yet this heart is able to throw away the feeling,
how can this mind and heart are so complicated.

That girl has so much words to shout out,
that girl has so much senses to disgorge,
that girl has so much questions which are needed to be answered,
she says she tired,
she is tired to stand and holding bullshit words,
no, she is not that tired, she does not give up exactly.
I do not know what is being in her mind.

I do not know what should be typed here, but she said she can not stop to type till her heart feels fine,
it must be the last day of typing about her feeling,
all she knows that he betrayed off all,
she told me that it must be the last time,
she will not ever remind, she will do deny, she will stand, step on her line.
Is that mean she has broken heart?
I tried to guess it and tell her, she answer no.. no it is not.

He said he loves her, he said he hearts her, he said he wants to spend the life with her, he said he want to grow up his children and have happy family with her.
Yes, he is.
She said that he had been trying to prove it, but he did not do anything honesty, all she knows that he betrayed for everything.
Till that thing happen again and she let her own self to avoid and go away from him.
She felt played for this long time pass by, but he did not mean that.
Yes she left him, she could not even forget him, then how dare she said that she was able to leave him.
She was trying, was dying to do that, God blessed she could accept and sincere, even yet full successfully.

It was January 16th 2013
He contacted and told her in all of sudden that he could not even not think about her,
even she never had words again like before she has been being always in his heart all the time,
it could not be denied that she was happy to get his confession, but
she was too much hurt, he made her so fragile, yes he is betrayal, best ever betrayal,
she just gave a short smile through text without much words and hold out not to fall and be weak in front of him,
giving rude words to answer his question and statement is her camouflage,
pretending that she is fine and alright,
pretending that she is strong and having some power to handle this,
pretending that everything is in line even without him.

I do not know what kind of girl she is,
all I know she can handle and fight it.

It was January 17th 2013
Still she has been trying to reach the full sincerity.
A phone rang, it is her cell phone, together alert of short messages

"Stay away from him, never contact him again..."

He gonna get married next month, in first week of February.
The single parent of one daughter who is being with and living together with him told her, that woman said that she has big jealousy to that girl, the woman told that she is having his baby in her womb,
it is about two months now.

That girl shocked, yes she did.
That girl was not jealous, that girl was like strong that moment, she just took a long breathe and little smile.
Seems sincerity has been staying inside of her.
She remind something but she did not tell it, just gave a little smile.
He was really not be able to be trusted.
Those were more than enough to know, she DO disappointed. I could not even imagine what has been being inside her.

I do not know what kind of girl she is,
all I know she can handle and fight it.

Why that woman was so worried to lose him, they are living together, close near to reach each other also she is having his baby in her womb, how could be that woman so jealous and hate her? she did nothing, that girl did not do anything. She never contacted him, nor asked him back.

The reason of why she left him before was about understanding that woman's feeling also.
She realize, nothing that could be given to him, but it was not that reason for truth,
long distance was not the reason of leaving him also,
they were trying to be and everything has been planned, but on the way reaching, he failed for temptation, which was quite really hurt her.
That girl was so in fragile, it was not just once he betrayed her and got her apologize.

Maybe it is the final time when she has to move on and get off from this rough part of life, a seed of life is growing in that single parent of seven years old daughter's womb, pregnancy before married,
that is quite hurt for that girl for uncountable times, but everything must be in line.
That girl has huge resentment probably, but a bad feeling should not be kept in.

Keep peace within heart is better, then bring it to another will be best,
yes, she is.
All she want is peacefully.

A Walk to Remember 
"Love is never boastful nor conceited,
it is never rude or selfish,
it does not take offense and it is not resentful.
Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth,
it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope.. and to endure.. whatever comes."

Also it is does not mean possess, to know someone whom we love happy there is more than enough,
even it is hard, but it has to be tried.
She said happily is not about we get everything that we want, sincerity is being exist in every each of life, while you realize it, happiness is in yours.

That was just a little story of life, four years of long distance relationship creating precious lessons of sincerity.

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Infinite

Dear happiness,
I thought that you have left her once she tried to avoid and leave him,
I thought that everything is turning dark when she started not to heart him again,
I thought that you will blame on her when decided to choose her way.

Dear happiness,
She tells me that she found you when she started to know him,
he is not that rich, he is not that handsome and he is not that moslem,
All I knew she has declared agreeing to have relation with him to make him understand how is precious his life,
he was always degrading himself as bad and unlucky man in this world.

Time by time,
she used to and always giving a little advise about how precious his self is,
till he could think and see that his self was not like in his mind,
till she felt near with and could receive his existing in herself,
he was good man, he was always creating a little happy smile of hers.

Senior high, bachelor degree till graduated,
They were still connected each other,
Till she realized that it is forbidden and may not to be continued.
No, it was not, the right story is not that.
That man betrayed his words, he hidden a thing,
he did not want lose his girl but he could not reject receiving the free services and teasing from woman whose one daughter.
How is embarrassing it... so f* d* embarrassing

Yes, she was broken.
Yes she was in fragile.
But overall she came realizing 1 : 0 = ~ 

Dear happiness,
I am happy as hers, with full of my awareness
happiness is not about stretching to the right and left of the lips,
happiness is not about when you are successfully reaching your goal,
happiness is not about the way you mean it,
happiness is a condition where you can accept the sincerity of everything,
one devided by zero is infinite.

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None knows

Actually this post has been established and shared on Dec 25, 2012 9:59 PM.
It id just caused of some error in the page of design of my blog, so I deleted the previous one and share it here.

She said, “Your boyfriend is coming”
That girl said, “Who is boyfriend? The one that always takes the rubbish, your mean?”

How is surprised, he is the one who is liked much by that girl, that girl doesn’t believe that she can like that boy much, he is the first man who can camouflage the sorrow of man that she always dreams.
She can not believe that how and why the feeling that she never expects suddenly exist in her own self. In her praying, she never prayed to fall in love or hearty to man who is younger than her.
Yes, it is. That girl just ended her relationship from her lovely one due to she saw there was another woman who would be able to create his smile and care there.

What happen with that girl today, she was mad in the afternoon, disappointed while leaving the office where she works. Yes maybe it was fault, she should not be together with him, she had to avoid him, she had to be able to accept that she may not like that boy much, yes she can, she manages those feeling, she remembers always that both are different, she tries always to make her right, to deny her heart that it’s just something like big load burden in her heart.

He is her friend, she likes her friend.
Before she always advices to herself that sincerely is needed in every aspect of life, she always pretends that everything is alright as long the sincerity exist.
Someone asked her, "Are not you jealousy, as you know best that, there are other girls who is interested with him and they ask about him to you?"
Her simple answer, liking someone, falling in love and hearty to the one is human right, we couldn’t  forbid anyone else not to like to the one who we like.

People said that it is not love if we can not reach and make him/her by our side, but she told that love is not like that, it is peace, it is sincere, love doesn’t mean possess, it is not a thing that can be owned, it is a thing that is kept deep inside, a thing that loveable, a thing that peace, warm and comforting the heart and mind, love is like Muhammad SAW loves his ummat.

No one knows what happen with her today..

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