It was perfect

It was perfect when I am as girl under their caring,
It was perfect when I run reaching to get the harmfulness of their hug,
It was perfect when their first lovely daughter stayed near together with,
It was perfect when this girl has not decided to leave, away, far from home

It is not meant that this girl regrets her decision,
This life gave her a lot of things,
She saw a lot, she read a lot, she learnt a lot, she knew a lot,
All the things she knows

But someday, the day when she thought that it could be the most beautiful thing changed her life,
New hopes were created,
New plans were prepared,
New days would be started,
New appointment was built between two son of man

This might be the first time for her to start and learn how that man was,
The man whom came and said his truly deep of his words,
He talked a lot, he cared a lot, he cared his family a lot, that is all about,
It might be the reason why I could put hearty a lot

Times went by, I understand, but he more understands me as well,
he is nice guy with the soft heart,
he is nice guy who could keep his words,
he is nice guy with no exception

Today, I have decided, do not know whether it is right,
but I believe every decided decision is right if it will not create regret someday,
Anyway, I do not know how to pour and write all these thing by now,
I forced myself not to contact, I force myself to conceal,
Longing, it is just a while, then how could be.

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My Day of Today

Dear My Day,

I thought that life was so rough for me, several months ago. Brebes, February 7th 2016 I am in the half way of my journey going back to my hometown after attending interview at one of famous IT consult company in Jakarta on February 5th 2016. Planned to go home after the interview, alas I didn't get the ticket that day, it was long weekend Saturday-Sunday-Monday were colored as red, so I got it by the date of today. 

My name is Purma' Rifatika, was born at October 5th 1990 at Kediri as first daughter from lovely parents, my mother's name is Surati and my Dad's name is Supriyo, both are teacher, my Mom teaches elementary school and my Dad at Kindergarten. I have two younger sister and one younger brother. She is Nurma Priyatika, has graduated from Nursing Academic at September 5th 2015, she is beautiful, cute, cherish, lovely girl, humble, patient and will be loves by everyone whom meet her, the youngest is Siti Khoirul Hidayati, she is too cute described, she is in Junior High School at third grade class now a day and the last is my younger brother, he is the one and only, became student of Telkom Sandy Putra Malang was suggested by his oldest sister, she suggested only, no forced, but was surprised by it cause before he was not interested on it, he had planned continuing his study at SMAN 2 Kediri and yes he was accepted there, however it was detached.

Touched down at Purwokerto Station on 6:45 PM, got message from my first and last lovely boyfriend that he hang out with his family, he is Tony, with complete name is Rd Tony Arryansyah Arifin, he is my boyfriend and it is the first time in my life I have person called as it. We committed to hold and got married someday on December 13th 2014.

I would love continuing this writing, but I am sleepy. I think I will post it even I have not been able to finishes it yet 😁 Cause It will not be posted if the uploadin now is postponed 🙆🏻

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Reflection, do you like you?

Accompanied by Colbie Caillat of his Try song this words are written.

People talked a lot, people think to much, and I am?
Nothing to be done even there are too much should be done and finish it
Feels like it was long time wasn't here, don't you miss me?
Well it is just joke, I am totally quite alright even if you never miss me, now I come and want to tell you something, not something but everything.
You may be understand me so well why I come here, do I look so confused?
Could you please answer my question whenever I want to talk to you?
I am crazy cause talking with a thing which doesn't have a soul, forgetting that you are just a screen of this laptop.

Honestly I don't know where to start, would like to pour everything inside but I do really get confused. Do need cry a lot without reason, life gives us everything, pain, happiness, sadness, cheerfulness, togetherness with people whom are loved and everything.

And I don't know where the situation I am for exact.

It is not the right time if I stay and type something here, I have a lot home works which have been done yet posting which force me to type some more and pour it out into sentences.
Am I bored? No I am not, learning is so much fun even it needs more effort to refresh it.

I would love to type some more even I should and get done with my home works for exact

Typing this is quite embarrassing for this girl, but what to do?
She just wants to throw away what is has been being existed inside of her,
A secret thing which has never happened before as long she has been breathing for this long time goes by,
Eighteenth of Last month at this year

And it is about seven days passed, that day I did not know what exactly it was
What a different day, what a fantastic a day made
Something difference happened, and the difference is you
I am not sure it was you, but I don’t know too how this hearts faced a hard racing beat when I started to know you
Thought that it was just hormone works out inside this body and mind for exact before
Tried a lot to find what was exact happen with this self, trying to close to find the peacefulness
Just hard racing heart beat
Is it too much?

I couldn’t understand nor concern this self in all of sudden
Do I deserve to have this feeling?
I am not the one who is clever in treating someone
I am not the one who is girly and loveable
I am not the one whose perfection, there are too much lack
Saying and mentioning above did not mean not to thank for the gift given by The Lord
I am just not confident with myself, wait but aren’t I?

I smile a lot
I talk a lot
I speak a lot
And also think a lot even has not given a best result or solution

Last, but exactly is not I feel that I fell in love with him for first time he certain me with his full of his heart to start planning and making the proposal story of our life.
What is human? We just be able to make a planning, The Owner Of This Life whose fully right, but we hope and wish... We can make it real someday.

Finding lovely RdTAA's post note

One words but I am still doubt with it, when I start loving someone, I become more selfish, like I want to him belong and totally for me. God sorry, please gives and pours us always the composure of heart as provision to think right.

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Not Entitled November 30th 2014

It was such beautiful morning, even though there was not dew which full of the air
It was such beautiful night, even though there was not stars shined on the nice sky,
It was such beautiful day when I came out from my small room and stepped up to the outside,
It was beautiful whether, even the rain is not falling down and wet the ground,
It was beautiful room, even the temperature is not warm enough for body temper scale,
I thank to God for everything, I am happy and I am so gratefully cause of all those gifts.

God gave everything, everything which is needed, creating smile happiness to anyone who accept it,
Everything are granted, everything were accepted,
Don't know but it is just blank at her mind, wanna talk a lot, wanna scream any, wanna share a lot, wanna type a lot, but no thought.

No one there, do sure that she will start talking and type about life, but talking about this will just recall her memorize back.

Seems she is bored, seems like she wanna drop something from her eyes, like tears but will be denied directly if I called it as.
I don't know about her, what is in her mind, all I know that she is learning about the true of sincerely,
Hard like hell, but yeah she is holding out.

Her and she are all about me, the one who gets difficult to show up her cares to everyone wanted instead of creating disappointment by her behaviors

I am sorry

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It is My First Time

I miss you doesn't mean that I want you
I miss you doesn't mean that I want that feeling back
I miss you doesn't mean that I can't forget
I miss you doesn't mean that I can't see you happy there
I miss you doesn't mean that I am in too bad situation cause longing
I miss you cause I do
I miss you cause I confess that little of you are still staying in part of my fragile heart
I never regret starting to know, understand and concern you
You mean a lot for me
You are someone whom get all of me, even I never gave you any
You taught me everything from nothing
You taught me how to see the world and blast meant heart feeling
Being with you, I was happy
Being without you, I am happy
Can't be together cause different faith was our decision
No, it is not, that was my decision
Love doesn't mean possess, it is peace and I am full of that peacefulness
Never let me that you are not happy there
Never let me to know that you are in bad feeling situation there
Never let me that you are sick there
I wont be able to hold back my tears and longing too long, never

Don't you know that I have that hearty feeling toward that one
I wish you know that, it is not me whom expect to have that
It exists suddenly, whispered word roaming, trying to certain myself that I know that one,
I ever met that one long before, first sign and my self just confess that it can't be forgotten
I melt whenever I meet or near that one, do control myself and certain that all is well and nothing happen without recognizing that something happen of me
And yeah that is my problem, even I can't deny to say that I don't wanna be frozen anymore
Still I don't understand what the exactly it is

It is my first time, you should know that  you and that one most I talked a lot before this read page exist 

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Not That Tasteless

No matter what, this is your life!

Writing here like no one knows, writing here like no body knows. Planning something must be important, figuring out about where and how we bring this life must be needed.

It is true that making plan is wasting time, exceedingly when we had already planned it but it is out of control that we can not supply it.

I am here to write, I am here trying to find a thoughtful for myself.

By entertaining my own here that everything has not been late, I am here.

All I know that I have wasted my time for nothing,

still I think that I am not useful, when I come facing up with The Owner of There Everything, I feel so worse,

no matter what people think when they read this, but it is me, just what I am.

Time brings me into this pretty world that I am living and staying around, although people will think and mock how this environment could be called as pretty much beautiful and fun. No one passes through my mind when I am typing these words, just myself, standing in the edge of time when all of sudden the weird thing came and is thought roaming in this mind. I am such a girl whose huge self-pride as well, I walk on road which no one walks on it, I take my way where sometime my heart doesn't want to. Still I confused where I should bring my life goes to, like the breezed wind blows the dust. In the edge of time I keep my silence and think a lot, trying to get what myself wants, finding what is being inside, sorting out the millions of feeling which one should I throw it away, the one which I should find and need the solution and the one which I deny just because I haven't able to accept or trust it. This life is complicated sometimes, yeah I am the one who makes it be. Trying to be wise, trying to understand mysef as well, love.... yet I am able to mean or realize it.

Trying to pour everything here is my favorite way, at least I could feel better. I could even talk and share what is being inside to my room mate nor my parents, even I tried to but it is different, I couldn't even get the sollution or they meant different. I love them, my parents, sisters, brother, family and my friends as well even I couldn't talk everything and all the things towards them, it is not reducing my huge best feeling toward them ever. 

Still I am silent in the edge of time, while thinking much to solve what is being in this mind.

Trying to browse some data and references to find it, I typed "plan your life" and find some of words "How fucking I have spent for long time by and what I could have for what I had have done"

Accompanied by Rosa - Memeluk Bulan this words are arranged

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Not a Trick

"No this trick won't work. How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? " – Albert Einstein

I thought when I am laughing a lot I could be happy as what I am always expecting for,
I thought when I am laughing a lot I could forget the sadness,
I could find a happiness to kick out this everything which disturbs my mind always and sometime,
I thought I could be the happiest person and useful by sharing happiness of my laughter,
Neither going and hanging out with friends or even entertain own self nor even helping enough,
Knowing that everything depends on heart, “Once you can find the composure of yourself then you will find the true top of happiness “

She talked a lot, she tried to advise her daughter always, I love her, do so love her
I wish I can be mother and care my daughter, son and family like her

What a messy, dull and dumb I am as human,
I am pulling apart without knowing what the exactly happen,
Am I shy to confess and showing up toward myself that I am not this kind of I am being now,
I am not like this, I was just having a thought that I don’t want anyone know me, myself, my character, I am.

Why and how I could think like that,
What I did was just push me to desperate what I was,
I want to back like I was being, when I was in Senior high school or before it,
They let me to go, find and studying so far away cause they knew that I wanted it,
They trust me a lot, until now I am still their little and trusted daughter,
Feeling so worse when I came to realize that something different on me,
Feeling so worse cause I couldn’t do all their advices,
I tried so but feeling like I can’t be a sholehah daughter for them.

Like another day, spending a lot with full of joyful and happiness. She accompanied me to pass this day , I went to go around this crowded metropolitan city. Iced Vanilla Coffee Jelly and Iced Green Tea Latte accompanied waiting the bus. Going to the zoo helps me enough to light my longing of them, my beloved family, because when I was young we used to visit the zoo. I love visiting here, the breezy air comforts me, green scenery helps me to kick out the stresses being living this town.

 “I can’t talk much here, all I know thanks to The Owner of Life for the mercy day of days, and especially today”

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Too Much

Dearest Friends,

I feel that I knew and met you yesterday, time goes by, running like there is no limitation. I do not know why and how come, when I start to know you and shared thought with you, I feel and find the exactly comfort of your words, it is little and not too much but by it I started to know little mean of something that I has been looking for. Thought that I would be able to meet you all day long for long, yes maybe I can even it will be rare.

I love friendship, but I hate it neither. I like and do love something which is called as love even I have not understood yet what the exactly mean of it but I confess that I hate it too. I laugh a lot in front of you and cry a lot when I feel apart. I am happy so much happy cause shared happiness by you, like there is no sadness, yeah it is true. Feeling complete even living far from beloved family, what I have here is you, a good happiness friendship.

It might be so much over, I could not even describe what is being felt by me now, feeling so numb, no words, empty, blank when I knew that you are going to leave, leaving for better place which has been planned by The Owner Of This Everything.  Sometime I forget that we do have right to have dreams and planning something, but He, The One Whose Everything has best things which are going to be granted to us.

Junior used to say “It is no problem, this is challenge for me” I will always remember his cheerful

Still I remember how beautiful of it, God is The Best Creator

In the beautiful of mountain scenery of The Almighty of AC, senior said, “Do you like him?” and I say not, “Loving someone is when you can’t describe why and what you like from the one whom you like, love doesn’t have reason, if it has then it might be called as calculation, true love will show the right way to back toward right lover, let me show you one thing my parents divorced, both my mom and dad were getting married with another else, I lived with my grandmother, my stepmother passed away and mother divorced from my stepfather, she always dreamt about my dad, at the end both are back be a happy family until now, I do believe that it is true love, my dad and mom’s love. You should not avoid or rough to someone whom you love or someone who is mocked by other for you, he doesn’t have mistakes or any sins being that, it is mercy from God, love is mysterious, it is magic, like Rahwana’s love for Shinta, is it his mistakes? Is it a sin? It is just … “

He talked to much, I can’t remember those all exactly, if I am not mistakes the continuation would be like this “His love is not mistakes, he just fell in love with the one whose husband already, no one can be blamed on this case”, then like I always said “It is back to us, how to conduct controlling own self”

“Getting married is the fate, love is destiny, we can have a plan marrying anyone, but can’t plan this love to anyone, because love is magic”  ~Sudjiwo Tedjo

Thank to The Owner of the Life, I met with people who love historical of puppet, my dad included, me and my ancestors.

I do wish you can feel the happiness like I always have from you.

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DULL

Having but can't pour it
Liking but can't prove it
Loving but can't show it

Deep feeling kills itself
Avoiding is not working
Denying is camouflage
Love and hate are totally created

Writing is like nothing
Confused, give up, dejected
I would like to sketch what is being inside
But unable, I don’t have any courage even to sketch it

Talking and sharing aren’t working
Those will not help
Yeah this is my first in real one
Finally feeling that I am normal, like those women
Liking a guy, younger than me exactly
No, it is not that I hate him
I just feel different whenever I am with or without him
The problem is his everything roams hooking in my mind
Or the problem is I am too confident, but no I don’t, I am not typically of that
He is just younger, mature thought, doesn’t like talk much, clever, whatever his words rise my spirit and give the inspiration for sure
I am just like his older friend, common like the other friends

Putting label on my head, he is too high, too good to be reached
How lucky I am getting him for the whole rest of my life but people might say how pity he is..
I do thank for all the things with what I am being now, dear God
Also for the gift to let me know a good man like him
May all his dreams will be blessed by You

Just found in my folder, written 56 days ago and it is 19th March 2014

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Rush

When I start to know what the exactly means of love, I become more selfish.
Feels like this body no powers no energy, when I start to describe what is meaning of love, I could not even hold this tears fall down.
When I start to understand what means of love, I used to forget with the sincerity which has been holding inside, all I want it just that, what I want is just that, no more.
Loving you is like everything, this is that I am worried since the first time,
Loving you even never meet you, is best feeling that I ever have,
What do I do?
All those thing has happened, since the first time I typed here, all I want was I want pouring all my feeling here, wishing that I am able to forget you fully sincere.
I have learnt what is love, sincere, facing up everything, to be strength from you, even you didn't mean to teach me, but what you have done through your words were really helping me.
Still I confuse what kind of feeling this.
Big mistakes, done by you..
Even it is so, why I am able to forgive you, this self feels so hearty into you deeply.
When I start to know and little confess that probably I love you, I become so so weak, feels like I am the stupid person in this life, it might be me, the stupid one.

Dear The AL-Mighty,
I do sorry for all mistakes that I have done,
I do sorry for all sins which might be so hurt,

Dear The Prophet,
I am sorry cause of this, I might be hurt you so much with what I have done,
You do love me so much, you love us without no exception,
your hearty is really amazing,
teach me and show me the way how to you and The Creator best and perfectly.

Dear God,
Show me the right way..

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Felicitación

Dear Lord,
Let me told you one thing, probably you knew it, it is just because you can't share by talking or typing some words here without me, my finger.
This self feels so, I can't even describe also how is feeling of it, I would love to say advising this self to deny this weird thing inside me.
This self has been trying to work it out, but when the loneliness comes over me,this self used to say by its self that :

I will not ever contact you even it is just once,
I will not ever call you even I my self force me to do,
I will not think about you even this mind can not away not think about you,
this life is so messy when I started to know you
yes you are in great
yes you are having spirit
yes you are helping me out to see, stand and be strength of being me
Hey younger,
you do made me so turn around,
I couldn't not even think it is being exist in me,
I could not be interested to confess that I adore you,
Hi younger,
I beg you to hurt me deeply
so by that I got hurt, eyes and mind open to accept that I am not proper to heart you.

Discovering and pretending that everything is fine and still its line is being held on.

Hey you,
the one who burn this spirit and strength up,
the one whose high dreams and have big passion to reach it,
the one whose kind heart and kind to everyone,
the one who never measure everyone though their appearance,
the one who always do all the demanding of his parent,dad especially,
the one who can create calm and peace in any situations,
the one who care and serve all friends best,
the one that I am not able to avoid.

Still I have much words to say, but ...
Anyway I am glad to know you

I don't know when I should stop taking other different direction when I got that same like yours, even I realize that those are like camouflage of me. When I have bravery to face this...I don't know

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An Ancient One

This self never confesses that it is tired,

This self still be able pretend that everything is fine,

This self is really deny when I start to confess that all the things inside of this self is just camouflage,

This self couldn’t accept to confess that it doesn’t have strength like before,

This self is really betray confessing that

When this self is tiring, it can do nothing, even if it is just a words, this self even has no power to vomit it,

When this self is tiring, this mouth will stop to say, all which is still active work will be just mind,

Brain will work fast without any motion, lips, eyes, power seems not active,

NUMB, that is being felt deep inside,

LAZY, that is suffer the nerves,

INDIFFERENT, which is unable to be denied,

This self feels like giving up, what is the reason of why making it be, I don’t know

Probably, it is too much thought in its mind,

Probably it is too much held to be sincere and accepting all untruth from others,

Probably it is too much be patient to face up everything, all the things which is actually can not be accepted due to it is not appropriate, but all I know here, I can not even deny it.

Why this self getting lost so far, I don’t know,

Going astray with these kind of people and situation is not option,

Most of people thought that best friend will be like the best,

Best friend is not there in the dictionary of life, I don’t know what is making people lose the best character of being human, if I could ask a request…

I would love to stay and live with ancient man,

It is life where everyone is living, it's rough and hypocrite sometimes but a thing that should not be denied is the beautiful of it.

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Blank just longing

Writing here like no one knows,
Writing here like no body knows,
writing here while smiling up on own self,
Yes, writing here is giving amazing sensation,
Even I don't have any best idea to write here, but let's just write.

I don't know what is being in this mind, but feeling happiness fulfills on it,
even my self knows best that I do miss my parent and family badly, and feel so bad exactly,
But what should do, just nothing, all I can do just give praying to them
May The Al-Mighty is and will be always protect them in happy in health condition,
May The Al-Mighty will pour His best ever blessing in togetherness

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Not me but this finger

It is afternoon, what kind of  girl who woke up in the middle of the day, when the sunrise is spreading the ultraviolet spectrum, whatever calling for that girl, but she might have a reason.

This girl told me that she lose her eagerness to type some words here, even I don't know what the reason was, but I told her not to be like this, it is yours, it is your authority, it is your words, your own words which you patched here, you can write everything here in me, you can share everything as long it makes you feel better, no matter what the people said about your worse words exceedingly. You can write up on me, I accept your all words, even I can not give you suggestion of solving your problem by typing some more here make me feel that I have function and patching of your words here complete me, and I hope you will feel better after pouring your words up on me.

What is being in your mind? Will you please tell me? Don't you trust me again that you will feel better after you pouring everything up on me? Come on, you are not child anymore, you have passed your teenager also, you told me that you are mature, will have been ready to face up every kind of everything, but what happen with you now? Do you think that wrote and poured your everything here is mistakes? Why should you set the configuration on me just available to be read by the author? Am not I deserved read by everyone? Or you think that what you have been typed here was so worse? I don't think so, they love me and some of them drop message to you, aren't they? Or you think that all of this aren't not proper to be written and typed here? Well may be you haven't had ability to write best and perfect like them, but what is matter for you? You can learn from them, isn't that you always do? learning and learning. Or am I so shameful for you now? I saw that you are like giving up with your own words and your self, are you getting tired? Don't you have any words for sharing with me up on here? You told me that you don't have friends in your place now, even many friends are surrounding you, you said that you don't find them as your comforter, you told me that you found your comforter here, with me. Now I am here for you, in front of you with huge space to hold your words on here.

Why are you changing in all of sudden? Sorry to say but I think that you are so childish, and couldn't be called as mature as well, I see that between your age and thought isn't match, you are mature as physic, but I am not sure about the way you manage your emotion. You told me that sincerity must be exist in, but see, it is not just sincerity which should be, you need to enhance your mental, after all I do agree about the sincerity. Girl, are you forget that the world is so wide, but the living here just once, a moment, a while, you wont have occasion like you are having right now, so what is you waiting for, you told me that life has to be lived, so many things must be passed. Yes you are doing it, but see what a best coward of you. Now I ask you, what you have eve r given for your precious life and The One who gifted it to you? What have you done? Look you have done nothing, so selfish, you think more than it is required, balancing between your feeling and the irrational of mind is important, even I do know you that you will say that you have made it, you have tried and been success to make it balance, I do know you will say that, but look, the fact of the reality is not, it is not true that you are success in it, you fail, you are still so selfish, you want to make them happy, your parents, brother, sisters, families and all your friends, but look, have you already been successfully to make and fill up your life in happy smile?Can you please confess and realize from this fake of your camouflage? I am sorry to say but I am tired to see you who are always being like this. Are you really forget how you are three or years before? I want you stay in your positive selfish like that time messy fusspot girl, indifference in line, and never stop smiling, ya even you are now never stopping that one, but you shouldn't show up your smile when you are really not in it. Crying is normal, are you forget how to cry? Never stretching your lips which is recognized as smile if you wanna cry. Never hiding it off. I love you were, not you are now. Now just please remember how you were and be, I wish you understand what I said even I couldn't have ability and occasion to speak it directly into you. Why should I speak it while you are here helping my words patched here on me. 

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Coming and exist

Dear peace of white paper on screen of my laptop,

Let me say suite of words from the deepest of bottom heart inside me this night,

I got his news, he told me directly that he is not happy with her,

He feels so buried with her, he is so sad and full of regret, he told me frankly,

Let's not talk about love here, cause if you weapon at me,

I will say directly that deep inside I am missing him badly, but all I want here is not like this,
This everything is like back to norm, when he came and asked this hand, it is like a breeze air blows n fill up this soul, smile spread in this lips.

I am totally afraid and scare of him sometimes, I am afraid to get hurt exactly, yes I have not been ready, this fragile heart is yet back like it was before, and beside of all, I am afraid if my feeling that I had for him will be exist in me again.

What's wrong if I give him once occasion again?
This heart is still do with him, still with him

He said that he is not connected with that woman again,

He said that she is witch,

He said that she just trapped him,

Now he is realize at all, he confess what he has been done and beg me to forgive and ask my hand to be able held by him again.

He regrets so much, he lose his weight now, too much and look so thin.

I don't have any heart to see him in picture that he had sent to me.

Tell me what should I do?

Tell me how to face up on it?

Do I so selfish if I come and hold his hand helping out of his problem?

This is simple problem or probably it is not problem at all,

it is just thing which is so easy to be solved if heart isn't included here.

He told me, like he used and always said before that he loved me, he is still love this girl.

He wanna trying to build everything from zero again,

Even this girl has been trying to forget him, but honesty she is still unable to erase up him and everything about him,

But once again it is not talked about love, it is all about the irrational thought.

It should be thought by mind not the heart which is contaminated with love syndrome.
But it can not be denied that love is working and exist here, he is her lover and so she is,
even it is weird that they have not met personally, but they have this such feeling.
For sake of everything, actually this girl is totally afraid to have relation, boy friend and girl friend like people have, she has not been ready yet if happen something like... you know that what it is mean.
Trying to give everything for future husband, that she is totally want.

Deep inside he is good son and lovely guy, even sometime he is naughty and make her cry.
But you should know that love is wonderful even its hurt sometimes.

Today this girl told him that she ever liked someone when they were apart due to that, this girl just went to confess, felt guilty cause liking another one, even it is still being in little.
He didn't have any words, seems like this girl's word hurt him too much.

Sorry but I just wanna be honest and confession due to guiltiness suffered me always.

Deep inside even your responses is so wise, I am sorry and wish everything between isn't changing and wont be. This girls doesn't want getting hurt for second or more, even she said that the hurt in existence of love is and will be always beauty in wonderfully.

Love is wonderful even its hurt sometimes, but still it is :)

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This girl and she is me

She said, "All I want here when I meet you, I just want to write up on you and share bout everything, I should be fair with my diary book but I couldn't. I always go into you and pour all what is typed by these finger up on you. I don't mean to think or decide doing before, I just think and my happiness is not decreasing at all when I know this.

I just knew her about one year ago even we had been one campus for three years. We started to know each other since we joined that subject together, I hate that subject much, If the time can return back I wont ever take that subject for my lecturer. We graduated together, but I has been working first than her. We meet again here, I helped her to get a hostel, then we become a neighbor mate for about one or two months, even it was so, she never slept in her own room, she always slept one room with me. We are like close friend even just knew each other."

Now they are together, this girl is happy cause she is not alone anymore in this crowded city, her family is far away from her. This girl talked about everything to her, all the things, she is really trusting her. She told about her liking to that one, she told his kindest and goodness of him, until her friend said, "I don't know him so close even I have known him since I was in one college with him, but you told me so much and I describe him like he is the good man."

This girl's friend had broken her relationship from her boyfriend before cause didn't get permit from her parent, such complicated relationship. One day they hang out together with that man also, not only once but more than it, this girl doesn't know what was being there in this mind, till little by little, case to case this girl realize that her close friend is like interested with that man. This girl said that is no problem at all, even it is little hard in feel, but this girl thought that sincerity should be always exist inside, in every part and also he deserved to get that.

Her friend likes that one..

Few months ago, she remembered that there was a one, the girl's sister had asked, "I have story, one day my friend told me, she liked a man, my friend always told to her close friend about his goodness and everything about him, like he is the most perfect man in her eyes. Her friend doesn't know about that man really, she just knew as him, cause her words about his kindest and all, her friend was like described him like the girl's said, she started to be interested to him secretly, she played and started to steal the show toward him, my friend is shy girl, she is clever to hide something, especially her love feeling toward him, it is out of her mind when she came to realize that her friend be couple with him, but she is totally fine and still keep the friendship does the through, time by time her friend started to know him cause they have already been in relationship, he is not like her thought, as my suggestion you should not tell that to anyone else, you know best that everybody has each thought of everyone, and she thought that he is not like hers........  "

I forgot how the last of that story, let it be, that was just story of someone's life experiences, anyone has own experiences, God has the rules, lines and all. That was just this girl thought, probably this girl is just worry, but why should be is peacefully. This girl said, "I am not worry at all. Happiness is not about we get everything that we want, sincerity is being exist in every each of life, while you realize it, happiness is in yours and it is spreading if sincerity is always being kept deep inside".

Let's leave it to That One whose this Life, I just wanna write here :)

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Happiness is you

For sake of everything I started to put and pour my feeling into suite of words, no one knows what is being there in me or what is being felt by me, no nobody knows. For me love is just worse, loving someone is just like not important necessary to fill up, what I meant someone here isn't family included.

People said love is perfect, it is fantastic and beautiful, it is great, it is making comfort when someone has correlated with their couple. I didn't say that you all guys need that, just try to flow and do whatever in you and life which is going though. People has each meaning of that, about the colorful of life, for them whose best and great experience in it will be always gain and proud of beautiful, wonderful and fantastic of life.

All here are perfect, all are totally perfect, people should think where this perfection comes from, where the feeling of love and the beautiful of feeling love comes from, peace of heart is needed and should be there in every each of alive soul. I could not disagree if they think that this everything are because of his/her effort made it be, but if opinion can be allowed here, people should think where they got effort and power to do support to be making in real. God must be in those everything, everything bot unseen and bare eyes. But here we will not talk about that, I planned to write and put some happy feeling which I have, which I ever has or all which has been holding in.

In one of Bruno Mars's song lyric, "life is too short to have regret" what is matter for anyone else if you so regret with your past or any which you had planned for it but when the time comes you are unable to realize it? If you said this words so and I hear it, definitely I would say that's not matter at all and totally your problem or mistakes. Could you please imagine how if that thing would be vomited by your friend or people around you? Myself will definitely say "No way, I can't imagine those all"

Wow, was it all what I went to say here?

***in my silence I am silent and thinking***

Roaming about Westlive song "Hey... whatever" should be best spirit word for ignoring and thinking that everything is easy, all are easy except the difficult one. When people did mistakes, can you please tell  me what is exactly in your mind? Are you happy for seeing their mistakes? Or you think and pin your mind that they are fool? If you think about that, then I respect beg you not to do that again ever, no one perfect, and you should know that this life is like a mirror, all will be like reflection, all good will come and bring the goodness, so please never ever think badness even it is just little part of mustard seed. I said this, doesn't mean that I am a good or free from that bad, I just try to do all the thing which is should and have to be done for reaching that perfectly of goodness.

Happily is who you are, and believe me, it is you and whom yourself when facing up this reality of these everything, accepting by the everything which is granted by The Owner Of These Everything.

Happiness is you, you are in yourself, when yourself try on reaching the sincerity of everything granted.

And talking about love, it is not a thing which is owned or passionate by anyone. Everybody has it, deep inside it is existing, deep inside it is sincere, like I ever write in my previous, quoted from one of movie :

"Love is never boastful nor conceited,
it is never rude or selfish,
it does not take offense and it is not resentful.
Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth,
it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope.. and to endure.. whatever comes." 

Happiness is in you and will be always you, just how and where you will bring it

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Yeah I am, aren't I?

I wanna be I am as I am before knew you,
that was six years ago,
when I was in fourth semester of senior high school,
Purma' who was calm girl,
who has not known yet the whole and rude world,
who has not known the sensation of liking someone,
who has not known the ail sense,
who has just known how to smile of happy life,
Purma' who never felt sad,
Purma' who was well known as Bahagia Purma',
Purma' who most people called her as the cheer one,
Purma' who always stared smile and happily, full of happiness,
That was Purma' as I am that I ever knew.

Problem should be a friend, said Lenka.
I am grown up girl now, I am not kid anymore,
should be able to face up, like Mr Bill Martens said to me in every occasion of our conversation,
"Smile and cheer up hon"
He is good man who inspires me always.

I am girl as I am,
little girl of my beloved mother and father,
cheer and innocent girl of my big family,
happy and smile sisters of my siblings,
that is what I am, aren't I? 

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Near but Far

I am not following you,
I have not followed you,
I have not been following you, never
I feel that I just knew you several seconds ago,
I talked to you and so you did,
I told to you and so you did,
I shared story, life and also my family and you did,
You are like my close friend for me.

Probably people thought that what I have been doing is just about you and thought that I am your follower,
and who is know if you have that kind of thought also?
Whatever, for any kind of reasons, I don't care,
I don't care doesn't mean that I accept what they or you guys's words for me,
I don't care and pretending that I am quick well cause I am bored, I am tired with all of you guys and myself exactly,
Why what I was going to do, what is being thought by this mind and what has been being planned here are liked recorded in your mind..
I would love to change the direction when I got that same,  I did and started to get the other one which is different,
but what I am being done now was like camouflage of me,
Pretending that I don't have same thought like in your mind,
Condescending my self, and blaming on.

Knowing you is disturbing me as well,
but when I started to avoid you, I don't feel well,
I wanna be able close to you like before,
I wanna be able to hold you as my best friend like before,
I wanna be able to share all the things as you were always be the best listener,
Why are you so kind?
Why are you so good?
Why are you so clever?
Why are you so diligent?
Why are you so patient?
Why are you so lovable?
Why are you so mature?

I just came realize that we are separated now,
even the distance is not far as my distance with my family, but we are far
so so far away, I would even be able to meet and talk with you.

It is not my mistakes to know you,
It is not your mistakes I am avoiding you,
all I want is you are happy and feeling well there, without any burden cause those people's words,
I am not good in appearance and maybe for the attitude also,
I don't want you feel bad cause people's words,

If what is being me called as love,
I will deny it,
I am totally not match and proper for you,
you deserve to get the best one like you are,
and I am not that one as best girl.

And I want you to get best

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Frowned

Sunrise shines from eastern horizon, like breezy air blows and wafts gently. I am awake from long sleeping, I saw them busy with their activity. Appointment has been created and would have been fulfilled today. On 8 am of GMT + 7 I have been ready for everything to go and join in that event.
I am not the one who like to ask, I am not the one like traveling much, even I do so then it is not because I like it much, I just want trying to find another ways to throw away a burden inside, all I want is solution of problem which is disturbing and roaming in me.

My parent is not parent who teach their children to ask any or everybody when getting trouble, all they said was "You should find the answer by yourself, otherwise you wont even find the solution, you can find everything by reading, books, the key is you have to read and love books, whatever it but you have to"

What is the destination of life?
Why should we work?
Why everybody want and desire to get job?

Talking about life and all about it will never end, everybody has their way and opinion about it, no one of those opinions can not be blamed, what I mean here is all those opinions have right.

Destination of life is doing everything in best and good way, Lillahita'ala, which my mother always said.
Reaching the goal of life, happily in this worlds and here after. That should not be proper to be talked again, cause everybody wants it, it is just how they describe, explain and mean of it specifically.

Reaching the destination of life should be called as working, isn't it?

And the answer of that why is back to the first point, cause everyone wants what becomes their destiny can be reached.

Still I am on learning it, and yet sure that I have understood at all.
Life is for learned, learning for everything, everything about knowledge.

"I reread this post which has not been published yet, then I asked by myself, any way when I typed this? I don't remember then just publish it"

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