Not That Tasteless

No matter what, this is your life!

Writing here like no one knows, writing here like no body knows. Planning something must be important, figuring out about where and how we bring this life must be needed.

It is true that making plan is wasting time, exceedingly when we had already planned it but it is out of control that we can not supply it.

I am here to write, I am here trying to find a thoughtful for myself.

By entertaining my own here that everything has not been late, I am here.

All I know that I have wasted my time for nothing,

still I think that I am not useful, when I come facing up with The Owner of There Everything, I feel so worse,

no matter what people think when they read this, but it is me, just what I am.

Time brings me into this pretty world that I am living and staying around, although people will think and mock how this environment could be called as pretty much beautiful and fun. No one passes through my mind when I am typing these words, just myself, standing in the edge of time when all of sudden the weird thing came and is thought roaming in this mind. I am such a girl whose huge self-pride as well, I walk on road which no one walks on it, I take my way where sometime my heart doesn't want to. Still I confused where I should bring my life goes to, like the breezed wind blows the dust. In the edge of time I keep my silence and think a lot, trying to get what myself wants, finding what is being inside, sorting out the millions of feeling which one should I throw it away, the one which I should find and need the solution and the one which I deny just because I haven't able to accept or trust it. This life is complicated sometimes, yeah I am the one who makes it be. Trying to be wise, trying to understand mysef as well, love.... yet I am able to mean or realize it.

Trying to pour everything here is my favorite way, at least I could feel better. I could even talk and share what is being inside to my room mate nor my parents, even I tried to but it is different, I couldn't even get the sollution or they meant different. I love them, my parents, sisters, brother, family and my friends as well even I couldn't talk everything and all the things towards them, it is not reducing my huge best feeling toward them ever. 

Still I am silent in the edge of time, while thinking much to solve what is being in this mind.

Trying to browse some data and references to find it, I typed "plan your life" and find some of words "How fucking I have spent for long time by and what I could have for what I had have done"

Accompanied by Rosa - Memeluk Bulan this words are arranged

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Not a Trick

"No this trick won't work. How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? " – Albert Einstein

I thought when I am laughing a lot I could be happy as what I am always expecting for,
I thought when I am laughing a lot I could forget the sadness,
I could find a happiness to kick out this everything which disturbs my mind always and sometime,
I thought I could be the happiest person and useful by sharing happiness of my laughter,
Neither going and hanging out with friends or even entertain own self nor even helping enough,
Knowing that everything depends on heart, “Once you can find the composure of yourself then you will find the true top of happiness “

She talked a lot, she tried to advise her daughter always, I love her, do so love her
I wish I can be mother and care my daughter, son and family like her

What a messy, dull and dumb I am as human,
I am pulling apart without knowing what the exactly happen,
Am I shy to confess and showing up toward myself that I am not this kind of I am being now,
I am not like this, I was just having a thought that I don’t want anyone know me, myself, my character, I am.

Why and how I could think like that,
What I did was just push me to desperate what I was,
I want to back like I was being, when I was in Senior high school or before it,
They let me to go, find and studying so far away cause they knew that I wanted it,
They trust me a lot, until now I am still their little and trusted daughter,
Feeling so worse when I came to realize that something different on me,
Feeling so worse cause I couldn’t do all their advices,
I tried so but feeling like I can’t be a sholehah daughter for them.

Like another day, spending a lot with full of joyful and happiness. She accompanied me to pass this day , I went to go around this crowded metropolitan city. Iced Vanilla Coffee Jelly and Iced Green Tea Latte accompanied waiting the bus. Going to the zoo helps me enough to light my longing of them, my beloved family, because when I was young we used to visit the zoo. I love visiting here, the breezy air comforts me, green scenery helps me to kick out the stresses being living this town.

 “I can’t talk much here, all I know thanks to The Owner of Life for the mercy day of days, and especially today”

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Too Much

Dearest Friends,

I feel that I knew and met you yesterday, time goes by, running like there is no limitation. I do not know why and how come, when I start to know you and shared thought with you, I feel and find the exactly comfort of your words, it is little and not too much but by it I started to know little mean of something that I has been looking for. Thought that I would be able to meet you all day long for long, yes maybe I can even it will be rare.

I love friendship, but I hate it neither. I like and do love something which is called as love even I have not understood yet what the exactly mean of it but I confess that I hate it too. I laugh a lot in front of you and cry a lot when I feel apart. I am happy so much happy cause shared happiness by you, like there is no sadness, yeah it is true. Feeling complete even living far from beloved family, what I have here is you, a good happiness friendship.

It might be so much over, I could not even describe what is being felt by me now, feeling so numb, no words, empty, blank when I knew that you are going to leave, leaving for better place which has been planned by The Owner Of This Everything.  Sometime I forget that we do have right to have dreams and planning something, but He, The One Whose Everything has best things which are going to be granted to us.

Junior used to say “It is no problem, this is challenge for me” I will always remember his cheerful

Still I remember how beautiful of it, God is The Best Creator

In the beautiful of mountain scenery of The Almighty of AC, senior said, “Do you like him?” and I say not, “Loving someone is when you can’t describe why and what you like from the one whom you like, love doesn’t have reason, if it has then it might be called as calculation, true love will show the right way to back toward right lover, let me show you one thing my parents divorced, both my mom and dad were getting married with another else, I lived with my grandmother, my stepmother passed away and mother divorced from my stepfather, she always dreamt about my dad, at the end both are back be a happy family until now, I do believe that it is true love, my dad and mom’s love. You should not avoid or rough to someone whom you love or someone who is mocked by other for you, he doesn’t have mistakes or any sins being that, it is mercy from God, love is mysterious, it is magic, like Rahwana’s love for Shinta, is it his mistakes? Is it a sin? It is just … “

He talked to much, I can’t remember those all exactly, if I am not mistakes the continuation would be like this “His love is not mistakes, he just fell in love with the one whose husband already, no one can be blamed on this case”, then like I always said “It is back to us, how to conduct controlling own self”

“Getting married is the fate, love is destiny, we can have a plan marrying anyone, but can’t plan this love to anyone, because love is magic”  ~Sudjiwo Tedjo

Thank to The Owner of the Life, I met with people who love historical of puppet, my dad included, me and my ancestors.

I do wish you can feel the happiness like I always have from you.

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DULL

Having but can't pour it
Liking but can't prove it
Loving but can't show it

Deep feeling kills itself
Avoiding is not working
Denying is camouflage
Love and hate are totally created

Writing is like nothing
Confused, give up, dejected
I would like to sketch what is being inside
But unable, I don’t have any courage even to sketch it

Talking and sharing aren’t working
Those will not help
Yeah this is my first in real one
Finally feeling that I am normal, like those women
Liking a guy, younger than me exactly
No, it is not that I hate him
I just feel different whenever I am with or without him
The problem is his everything roams hooking in my mind
Or the problem is I am too confident, but no I don’t, I am not typically of that
He is just younger, mature thought, doesn’t like talk much, clever, whatever his words rise my spirit and give the inspiration for sure
I am just like his older friend, common like the other friends

Putting label on my head, he is too high, too good to be reached
How lucky I am getting him for the whole rest of my life but people might say how pity he is..
I do thank for all the things with what I am being now, dear God
Also for the gift to let me know a good man like him
May all his dreams will be blessed by You

Just found in my folder, written 56 days ago and it is 19th March 2014

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Rush

When I start to know what the exactly means of love, I become more selfish.
Feels like this body no powers no energy, when I start to describe what is meaning of love, I could not even hold this tears fall down.
When I start to understand what means of love, I used to forget with the sincerity which has been holding inside, all I want it just that, what I want is just that, no more.
Loving you is like everything, this is that I am worried since the first time,
Loving you even never meet you, is best feeling that I ever have,
What do I do?
All those thing has happened, since the first time I typed here, all I want was I want pouring all my feeling here, wishing that I am able to forget you fully sincere.
I have learnt what is love, sincere, facing up everything, to be strength from you, even you didn't mean to teach me, but what you have done through your words were really helping me.
Still I confuse what kind of feeling this.
Big mistakes, done by you..
Even it is so, why I am able to forgive you, this self feels so hearty into you deeply.
When I start to know and little confess that probably I love you, I become so so weak, feels like I am the stupid person in this life, it might be me, the stupid one.

Dear The AL-Mighty,
I do sorry for all mistakes that I have done,
I do sorry for all sins which might be so hurt,

Dear The Prophet,
I am sorry cause of this, I might be hurt you so much with what I have done,
You do love me so much, you love us without no exception,
your hearty is really amazing,
teach me and show me the way how to you and The Creator best and perfectly.

Dear God,
Show me the right way..

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Felicitación

Dear Lord,
Let me told you one thing, probably you knew it, it is just because you can't share by talking or typing some words here without me, my finger.
This self feels so, I can't even describe also how is feeling of it, I would love to say advising this self to deny this weird thing inside me.
This self has been trying to work it out, but when the loneliness comes over me,this self used to say by its self that :

I will not ever contact you even it is just once,
I will not ever call you even I my self force me to do,
I will not think about you even this mind can not away not think about you,
this life is so messy when I started to know you
yes you are in great
yes you are having spirit
yes you are helping me out to see, stand and be strength of being me
Hey younger,
you do made me so turn around,
I couldn't not even think it is being exist in me,
I could not be interested to confess that I adore you,
Hi younger,
I beg you to hurt me deeply
so by that I got hurt, eyes and mind open to accept that I am not proper to heart you.

Discovering and pretending that everything is fine and still its line is being held on.

Hey you,
the one who burn this spirit and strength up,
the one whose high dreams and have big passion to reach it,
the one whose kind heart and kind to everyone,
the one who never measure everyone though their appearance,
the one who always do all the demanding of his parent,dad especially,
the one who can create calm and peace in any situations,
the one who care and serve all friends best,
the one that I am not able to avoid.

Still I have much words to say, but ...
Anyway I am glad to know you

I don't know when I should stop taking other different direction when I got that same like yours, even I realize that those are like camouflage of me. When I have bravery to face this...I don't know

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An Ancient One

This self never confesses that it is tired,

This self still be able pretend that everything is fine,

This self is really deny when I start to confess that all the things inside of this self is just camouflage,

This self couldn’t accept to confess that it doesn’t have strength like before,

This self is really betray confessing that

When this self is tiring, it can do nothing, even if it is just a words, this self even has no power to vomit it,

When this self is tiring, this mouth will stop to say, all which is still active work will be just mind,

Brain will work fast without any motion, lips, eyes, power seems not active,

NUMB, that is being felt deep inside,

LAZY, that is suffer the nerves,

INDIFFERENT, which is unable to be denied,

This self feels like giving up, what is the reason of why making it be, I don’t know

Probably, it is too much thought in its mind,

Probably it is too much held to be sincere and accepting all untruth from others,

Probably it is too much be patient to face up everything, all the things which is actually can not be accepted due to it is not appropriate, but all I know here, I can not even deny it.

Why this self getting lost so far, I don’t know,

Going astray with these kind of people and situation is not option,

Most of people thought that best friend will be like the best,

Best friend is not there in the dictionary of life, I don’t know what is making people lose the best character of being human, if I could ask a request…

I would love to stay and live with ancient man,

It is life where everyone is living, it's rough and hypocrite sometimes but a thing that should not be denied is the beautiful of it.

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