Too Much

Dearest Friends,

I feel that I knew and met you yesterday, time goes by, running like there is no limitation. I do not know why and how come, when I start to know you and shared thought with you, I feel and find the exactly comfort of your words, it is little and not too much but by it I started to know little mean of something that I has been looking for. Thought that I would be able to meet you all day long for long, yes maybe I can even it will be rare.

I love friendship, but I hate it neither. I like and do love something which is called as love even I have not understood yet what the exactly mean of it but I confess that I hate it too. I laugh a lot in front of you and cry a lot when I feel apart. I am happy so much happy cause shared happiness by you, like there is no sadness, yeah it is true. Feeling complete even living far from beloved family, what I have here is you, a good happiness friendship.

It might be so much over, I could not even describe what is being felt by me now, feeling so numb, no words, empty, blank when I knew that you are going to leave, leaving for better place which has been planned by The Owner Of This Everything.  Sometime I forget that we do have right to have dreams and planning something, but He, The One Whose Everything has best things which are going to be granted to us.

Junior used to say “It is no problem, this is challenge for me” I will always remember his cheerful

Still I remember how beautiful of it, God is The Best Creator

In the beautiful of mountain scenery of The Almighty of AC, senior said, “Do you like him?” and I say not, “Loving someone is when you can’t describe why and what you like from the one whom you like, love doesn’t have reason, if it has then it might be called as calculation, true love will show the right way to back toward right lover, let me show you one thing my parents divorced, both my mom and dad were getting married with another else, I lived with my grandmother, my stepmother passed away and mother divorced from my stepfather, she always dreamt about my dad, at the end both are back be a happy family until now, I do believe that it is true love, my dad and mom’s love. You should not avoid or rough to someone whom you love or someone who is mocked by other for you, he doesn’t have mistakes or any sins being that, it is mercy from God, love is mysterious, it is magic, like Rahwana’s love for Shinta, is it his mistakes? Is it a sin? It is just … “

He talked to much, I can’t remember those all exactly, if I am not mistakes the continuation would be like this “His love is not mistakes, he just fell in love with the one whose husband already, no one can be blamed on this case”, then like I always said “It is back to us, how to conduct controlling own self”

“Getting married is the fate, love is destiny, we can have a plan marrying anyone, but can’t plan this love to anyone, because love is magic”  ~Sudjiwo Tedjo

Thank to The Owner of the Life, I met with people who love historical of puppet, my dad included, me and my ancestors.

I do wish you can feel the happiness like I always have from you.

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DULL

Having but can't pour it
Liking but can't prove it
Loving but can't show it

Deep feeling kills itself
Avoiding is not working
Denying is camouflage
Love and hate are totally created

Writing is like nothing
Confused, give up, dejected
I would like to sketch what is being inside
But unable, I don’t have any courage even to sketch it

Talking and sharing aren’t working
Those will not help
Yeah this is my first in real one
Finally feeling that I am normal, like those women
Liking a guy, younger than me exactly
No, it is not that I hate him
I just feel different whenever I am with or without him
The problem is his everything roams hooking in my mind
Or the problem is I am too confident, but no I don’t, I am not typically of that
He is just younger, mature thought, doesn’t like talk much, clever, whatever his words rise my spirit and give the inspiration for sure
I am just like his older friend, common like the other friends

Putting label on my head, he is too high, too good to be reached
How lucky I am getting him for the whole rest of my life but people might say how pity he is..
I do thank for all the things with what I am being now, dear God
Also for the gift to let me know a good man like him
May all his dreams will be blessed by You

Just found in my folder, written 56 days ago and it is 19th March 2014

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Rush

When I start to know what the exactly means of love, I become more selfish.
Feels like this body no powers no energy, when I start to describe what is meaning of love, I could not even hold this tears fall down.
When I start to understand what means of love, I used to forget with the sincerity which has been holding inside, all I want it just that, what I want is just that, no more.
Loving you is like everything, this is that I am worried since the first time,
Loving you even never meet you, is best feeling that I ever have,
What do I do?
All those thing has happened, since the first time I typed here, all I want was I want pouring all my feeling here, wishing that I am able to forget you fully sincere.
I have learnt what is love, sincere, facing up everything, to be strength from you, even you didn't mean to teach me, but what you have done through your words were really helping me.
Still I confuse what kind of feeling this.
Big mistakes, done by you..
Even it is so, why I am able to forgive you, this self feels so hearty into you deeply.
When I start to know and little confess that probably I love you, I become so so weak, feels like I am the stupid person in this life, it might be me, the stupid one.

Dear The AL-Mighty,
I do sorry for all mistakes that I have done,
I do sorry for all sins which might be so hurt,

Dear The Prophet,
I am sorry cause of this, I might be hurt you so much with what I have done,
You do love me so much, you love us without no exception,
your hearty is really amazing,
teach me and show me the way how to you and The Creator best and perfectly.

Dear God,
Show me the right way..

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Felicitación

Dear Lord,
Let me told you one thing, probably you knew it, it is just because you can't share by talking or typing some words here without me, my finger.
This self feels so, I can't even describe also how is feeling of it, I would love to say advising this self to deny this weird thing inside me.
This self has been trying to work it out, but when the loneliness comes over me,this self used to say by its self that :

I will not ever contact you even it is just once,
I will not ever call you even I my self force me to do,
I will not think about you even this mind can not away not think about you,
this life is so messy when I started to know you
yes you are in great
yes you are having spirit
yes you are helping me out to see, stand and be strength of being me
Hey younger,
you do made me so turn around,
I couldn't not even think it is being exist in me,
I could not be interested to confess that I adore you,
Hi younger,
I beg you to hurt me deeply
so by that I got hurt, eyes and mind open to accept that I am not proper to heart you.

Discovering and pretending that everything is fine and still its line is being held on.

Hey you,
the one who burn this spirit and strength up,
the one whose high dreams and have big passion to reach it,
the one whose kind heart and kind to everyone,
the one who never measure everyone though their appearance,
the one who always do all the demanding of his parent,dad especially,
the one who can create calm and peace in any situations,
the one who care and serve all friends best,
the one that I am not able to avoid.

Still I have much words to say, but ...
Anyway I am glad to know you

I don't know when I should stop taking other different direction when I got that same like yours, even I realize that those are like camouflage of me. When I have bravery to face this...I don't know

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An Ancient One

This self never confesses that it is tired,

This self still be able pretend that everything is fine,

This self is really deny when I start to confess that all the things inside of this self is just camouflage,

This self couldn’t accept to confess that it doesn’t have strength like before,

This self is really betray confessing that

When this self is tiring, it can do nothing, even if it is just a words, this self even has no power to vomit it,

When this self is tiring, this mouth will stop to say, all which is still active work will be just mind,

Brain will work fast without any motion, lips, eyes, power seems not active,

NUMB, that is being felt deep inside,

LAZY, that is suffer the nerves,

INDIFFERENT, which is unable to be denied,

This self feels like giving up, what is the reason of why making it be, I don’t know

Probably, it is too much thought in its mind,

Probably it is too much held to be sincere and accepting all untruth from others,

Probably it is too much be patient to face up everything, all the things which is actually can not be accepted due to it is not appropriate, but all I know here, I can not even deny it.

Why this self getting lost so far, I don’t know,

Going astray with these kind of people and situation is not option,

Most of people thought that best friend will be like the best,

Best friend is not there in the dictionary of life, I don’t know what is making people lose the best character of being human, if I could ask a request…

I would love to stay and live with ancient man,

It is life where everyone is living, it's rough and hypocrite sometimes but a thing that should not be denied is the beautiful of it.

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Blank just longing

Writing here like no one knows,
Writing here like no body knows,
writing here while smiling up on own self,
Yes, writing here is giving amazing sensation,
Even I don't have any best idea to write here, but let's just write.

I don't know what is being in this mind, but feeling happiness fulfills on it,
even my self knows best that I do miss my parent and family badly, and feel so bad exactly,
But what should do, just nothing, all I can do just give praying to them
May The Al-Mighty is and will be always protect them in happy in health condition,
May The Al-Mighty will pour His best ever blessing in togetherness

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Not me but this finger

It is afternoon, what kind of  girl who woke up in the middle of the day, when the sunrise is spreading the ultraviolet spectrum, whatever calling for that girl, but she might have a reason.

This girl told me that she lose her eagerness to type some words here, even I don't know what the reason was, but I told her not to be like this, it is yours, it is your authority, it is your words, your own words which you patched here, you can write everything here in me, you can share everything as long it makes you feel better, no matter what the people said about your worse words exceedingly. You can write up on me, I accept your all words, even I can not give you suggestion of solving your problem by typing some more here make me feel that I have function and patching of your words here complete me, and I hope you will feel better after pouring your words up on me.

What is being in your mind? Will you please tell me? Don't you trust me again that you will feel better after you pouring everything up on me? Come on, you are not child anymore, you have passed your teenager also, you told me that you are mature, will have been ready to face up every kind of everything, but what happen with you now? Do you think that wrote and poured your everything here is mistakes? Why should you set the configuration on me just available to be read by the author? Am not I deserved read by everyone? Or you think that what you have been typed here was so worse? I don't think so, they love me and some of them drop message to you, aren't they? Or you think that all of this aren't not proper to be written and typed here? Well may be you haven't had ability to write best and perfect like them, but what is matter for you? You can learn from them, isn't that you always do? learning and learning. Or am I so shameful for you now? I saw that you are like giving up with your own words and your self, are you getting tired? Don't you have any words for sharing with me up on here? You told me that you don't have friends in your place now, even many friends are surrounding you, you said that you don't find them as your comforter, you told me that you found your comforter here, with me. Now I am here for you, in front of you with huge space to hold your words on here.

Why are you changing in all of sudden? Sorry to say but I think that you are so childish, and couldn't be called as mature as well, I see that between your age and thought isn't match, you are mature as physic, but I am not sure about the way you manage your emotion. You told me that sincerity must be exist in, but see, it is not just sincerity which should be, you need to enhance your mental, after all I do agree about the sincerity. Girl, are you forget that the world is so wide, but the living here just once, a moment, a while, you wont have occasion like you are having right now, so what is you waiting for, you told me that life has to be lived, so many things must be passed. Yes you are doing it, but see what a best coward of you. Now I ask you, what you have eve r given for your precious life and The One who gifted it to you? What have you done? Look you have done nothing, so selfish, you think more than it is required, balancing between your feeling and the irrational of mind is important, even I do know you that you will say that you have made it, you have tried and been success to make it balance, I do know you will say that, but look, the fact of the reality is not, it is not true that you are success in it, you fail, you are still so selfish, you want to make them happy, your parents, brother, sisters, families and all your friends, but look, have you already been successfully to make and fill up your life in happy smile?Can you please confess and realize from this fake of your camouflage? I am sorry to say but I am tired to see you who are always being like this. Are you really forget how you are three or years before? I want you stay in your positive selfish like that time messy fusspot girl, indifference in line, and never stop smiling, ya even you are now never stopping that one, but you shouldn't show up your smile when you are really not in it. Crying is normal, are you forget how to cry? Never stretching your lips which is recognized as smile if you wanna cry. Never hiding it off. I love you were, not you are now. Now just please remember how you were and be, I wish you understand what I said even I couldn't have ability and occasion to speak it directly into you. Why should I speak it while you are here helping my words patched here on me. 

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