DULL

Having but can't pour it
Liking but can't prove it
Loving but can't show it

Deep feeling kills itself
Avoiding is not working
Denying is camouflage
Love and hate are totally created

Writing is like nothing
Confused, give up, dejected
I would like to sketch what is being inside
But unable, I don’t have any courage even to sketch it

Talking and sharing aren’t working
Those will not help
Yeah this is my first in real one
Finally feeling that I am normal, like those women
Liking a guy, younger than me exactly
No, it is not that I hate him
I just feel different whenever I am with or without him
The problem is his everything roams hooking in my mind
Or the problem is I am too confident, but no I don’t, I am not typically of that
He is just younger, mature thought, doesn’t like talk much, clever, whatever his words rise my spirit and give the inspiration for sure
I am just like his older friend, common like the other friends

Putting label on my head, he is too high, too good to be reached
How lucky I am getting him for the whole rest of my life but people might say how pity he is..
I do thank for all the things with what I am being now, dear God
Also for the gift to let me know a good man like him
May all his dreams will be blessed by You

Just found in my folder, written 56 days ago and it is 19th March 2014

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Rush

When I start to know what the exactly means of love, I become more selfish.
Feels like this body no powers no energy, when I start to describe what is meaning of love, I could not even hold this tears fall down.
When I start to understand what means of love, I used to forget with the sincerity which has been holding inside, all I want it just that, what I want is just that, no more.
Loving you is like everything, this is that I am worried since the first time,
Loving you even never meet you, is best feeling that I ever have,
What do I do?
All those thing has happened, since the first time I typed here, all I want was I want pouring all my feeling here, wishing that I am able to forget you fully sincere.
I have learnt what is love, sincere, facing up everything, to be strength from you, even you didn't mean to teach me, but what you have done through your words were really helping me.
Still I confuse what kind of feeling this.
Big mistakes, done by you..
Even it is so, why I am able to forgive you, this self feels so hearty into you deeply.
When I start to know and little confess that probably I love you, I become so so weak, feels like I am the stupid person in this life, it might be me, the stupid one.

Dear The AL-Mighty,
I do sorry for all mistakes that I have done,
I do sorry for all sins which might be so hurt,

Dear The Prophet,
I am sorry cause of this, I might be hurt you so much with what I have done,
You do love me so much, you love us without no exception,
your hearty is really amazing,
teach me and show me the way how to you and The Creator best and perfectly.

Dear God,
Show me the right way..

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Felicitación

Dear Lord,
Let me told you one thing, probably you knew it, it is just because you can't share by talking or typing some words here without me, my finger.
This self feels so, I can't even describe also how is feeling of it, I would love to say advising this self to deny this weird thing inside me.
This self has been trying to work it out, but when the loneliness comes over me,this self used to say by its self that :

I will not ever contact you even it is just once,
I will not ever call you even I my self force me to do,
I will not think about you even this mind can not away not think about you,
this life is so messy when I started to know you
yes you are in great
yes you are having spirit
yes you are helping me out to see, stand and be strength of being me
Hey younger,
you do made me so turn around,
I couldn't not even think it is being exist in me,
I could not be interested to confess that I adore you,
Hi younger,
I beg you to hurt me deeply
so by that I got hurt, eyes and mind open to accept that I am not proper to heart you.

Discovering and pretending that everything is fine and still its line is being held on.

Hey you,
the one who burn this spirit and strength up,
the one whose high dreams and have big passion to reach it,
the one whose kind heart and kind to everyone,
the one who never measure everyone though their appearance,
the one who always do all the demanding of his parent,dad especially,
the one who can create calm and peace in any situations,
the one who care and serve all friends best,
the one that I am not able to avoid.

Still I have much words to say, but ...
Anyway I am glad to know you

I don't know when I should stop taking other different direction when I got that same like yours, even I realize that those are like camouflage of me. When I have bravery to face this...I don't know

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An Ancient One

This self never confesses that it is tired,

This self still be able pretend that everything is fine,

This self is really deny when I start to confess that all the things inside of this self is just camouflage,

This self couldn’t accept to confess that it doesn’t have strength like before,

This self is really betray confessing that

When this self is tiring, it can do nothing, even if it is just a words, this self even has no power to vomit it,

When this self is tiring, this mouth will stop to say, all which is still active work will be just mind,

Brain will work fast without any motion, lips, eyes, power seems not active,

NUMB, that is being felt deep inside,

LAZY, that is suffer the nerves,

INDIFFERENT, which is unable to be denied,

This self feels like giving up, what is the reason of why making it be, I don’t know

Probably, it is too much thought in its mind,

Probably it is too much held to be sincere and accepting all untruth from others,

Probably it is too much be patient to face up everything, all the things which is actually can not be accepted due to it is not appropriate, but all I know here, I can not even deny it.

Why this self getting lost so far, I don’t know,

Going astray with these kind of people and situation is not option,

Most of people thought that best friend will be like the best,

Best friend is not there in the dictionary of life, I don’t know what is making people lose the best character of being human, if I could ask a request…

I would love to stay and live with ancient man,

It is life where everyone is living, it's rough and hypocrite sometimes but a thing that should not be denied is the beautiful of it.

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Blank just longing

Writing here like no one knows,
Writing here like no body knows,
writing here while smiling up on own self,
Yes, writing here is giving amazing sensation,
Even I don't have any best idea to write here, but let's just write.

I don't know what is being in this mind, but feeling happiness fulfills on it,
even my self knows best that I do miss my parent and family badly, and feel so bad exactly,
But what should do, just nothing, all I can do just give praying to them
May The Al-Mighty is and will be always protect them in happy in health condition,
May The Al-Mighty will pour His best ever blessing in togetherness

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Not me but this finger

It is afternoon, what kind of  girl who woke up in the middle of the day, when the sunrise is spreading the ultraviolet spectrum, whatever calling for that girl, but she might have a reason.

This girl told me that she lose her eagerness to type some words here, even I don't know what the reason was, but I told her not to be like this, it is yours, it is your authority, it is your words, your own words which you patched here, you can write everything here in me, you can share everything as long it makes you feel better, no matter what the people said about your worse words exceedingly. You can write up on me, I accept your all words, even I can not give you suggestion of solving your problem by typing some more here make me feel that I have function and patching of your words here complete me, and I hope you will feel better after pouring your words up on me.

What is being in your mind? Will you please tell me? Don't you trust me again that you will feel better after you pouring everything up on me? Come on, you are not child anymore, you have passed your teenager also, you told me that you are mature, will have been ready to face up every kind of everything, but what happen with you now? Do you think that wrote and poured your everything here is mistakes? Why should you set the configuration on me just available to be read by the author? Am not I deserved read by everyone? Or you think that what you have been typed here was so worse? I don't think so, they love me and some of them drop message to you, aren't they? Or you think that all of this aren't not proper to be written and typed here? Well may be you haven't had ability to write best and perfect like them, but what is matter for you? You can learn from them, isn't that you always do? learning and learning. Or am I so shameful for you now? I saw that you are like giving up with your own words and your self, are you getting tired? Don't you have any words for sharing with me up on here? You told me that you don't have friends in your place now, even many friends are surrounding you, you said that you don't find them as your comforter, you told me that you found your comforter here, with me. Now I am here for you, in front of you with huge space to hold your words on here.

Why are you changing in all of sudden? Sorry to say but I think that you are so childish, and couldn't be called as mature as well, I see that between your age and thought isn't match, you are mature as physic, but I am not sure about the way you manage your emotion. You told me that sincerity must be exist in, but see, it is not just sincerity which should be, you need to enhance your mental, after all I do agree about the sincerity. Girl, are you forget that the world is so wide, but the living here just once, a moment, a while, you wont have occasion like you are having right now, so what is you waiting for, you told me that life has to be lived, so many things must be passed. Yes you are doing it, but see what a best coward of you. Now I ask you, what you have eve r given for your precious life and The One who gifted it to you? What have you done? Look you have done nothing, so selfish, you think more than it is required, balancing between your feeling and the irrational of mind is important, even I do know you that you will say that you have made it, you have tried and been success to make it balance, I do know you will say that, but look, the fact of the reality is not, it is not true that you are success in it, you fail, you are still so selfish, you want to make them happy, your parents, brother, sisters, families and all your friends, but look, have you already been successfully to make and fill up your life in happy smile?Can you please confess and realize from this fake of your camouflage? I am sorry to say but I am tired to see you who are always being like this. Are you really forget how you are three or years before? I want you stay in your positive selfish like that time messy fusspot girl, indifference in line, and never stop smiling, ya even you are now never stopping that one, but you shouldn't show up your smile when you are really not in it. Crying is normal, are you forget how to cry? Never stretching your lips which is recognized as smile if you wanna cry. Never hiding it off. I love you were, not you are now. Now just please remember how you were and be, I wish you understand what I said even I couldn't have ability and occasion to speak it directly into you. Why should I speak it while you are here helping my words patched here on me. 

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Coming and exist

Dear peace of white paper on screen of my laptop,

Let me say suite of words from the deepest of bottom heart inside me this night,

I got his news, he told me directly that he is not happy with her,

He feels so buried with her, he is so sad and full of regret, he told me frankly,

Let's not talk about love here, cause if you weapon at me,

I will say directly that deep inside I am missing him badly, but all I want here is not like this,
This everything is like back to norm, when he came and asked this hand, it is like a breeze air blows n fill up this soul, smile spread in this lips.

I am totally afraid and scare of him sometimes, I am afraid to get hurt exactly, yes I have not been ready, this fragile heart is yet back like it was before, and beside of all, I am afraid if my feeling that I had for him will be exist in me again.

What's wrong if I give him once occasion again?
This heart is still do with him, still with him

He said that he is not connected with that woman again,

He said that she is witch,

He said that she just trapped him,

Now he is realize at all, he confess what he has been done and beg me to forgive and ask my hand to be able held by him again.

He regrets so much, he lose his weight now, too much and look so thin.

I don't have any heart to see him in picture that he had sent to me.

Tell me what should I do?

Tell me how to face up on it?

Do I so selfish if I come and hold his hand helping out of his problem?

This is simple problem or probably it is not problem at all,

it is just thing which is so easy to be solved if heart isn't included here.

He told me, like he used and always said before that he loved me, he is still love this girl.

He wanna trying to build everything from zero again,

Even this girl has been trying to forget him, but honesty she is still unable to erase up him and everything about him,

But once again it is not talked about love, it is all about the irrational thought.

It should be thought by mind not the heart which is contaminated with love syndrome.
But it can not be denied that love is working and exist here, he is her lover and so she is,
even it is weird that they have not met personally, but they have this such feeling.
For sake of everything, actually this girl is totally afraid to have relation, boy friend and girl friend like people have, she has not been ready yet if happen something like... you know that what it is mean.
Trying to give everything for future husband, that she is totally want.

Deep inside he is good son and lovely guy, even sometime he is naughty and make her cry.
But you should know that love is wonderful even its hurt sometimes.

Today this girl told him that she ever liked someone when they were apart due to that, this girl just went to confess, felt guilty cause liking another one, even it is still being in little.
He didn't have any words, seems like this girl's word hurt him too much.

Sorry but I just wanna be honest and confession due to guiltiness suffered me always.

Deep inside even your responses is so wise, I am sorry and wish everything between isn't changing and wont be. This girls doesn't want getting hurt for second or more, even she said that the hurt in existence of love is and will be always beauty in wonderfully.

Love is wonderful even its hurt sometimes, but still it is :)

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