All I know I should leave him

Feeling like breeze blows and infiltrate into the deepest nerves,
the one who is too high unreachable,
all I know that I should not have this such feeling,
all I know that I should forbid this thing,
all I know I should find the solution of this,
how should to know while I do know well that it is not reasonable,
it is just sudden insensible realized and confessed.

All I know I have to leave,
I have to ignore this,
I have to avoid this,
it came and created this worrying of anything,
it has been being exist since I realize how mature he is to solve and think those such rough of everything which comes in,
it has been existing when I start to know how kind and wise he is.

Nothing needs to worry, all things are nothing, all thing just passing,
even I do worry being inside, I do not know how and why it should be.
I do try to deny,
I do try to handle this own by my side,
all I need is pretending that everything is alright.

This thing works so fast,
plundering this fragile heart,
beating this, again for once more.

All I know I have to be able to throw away this feeling,
all I know I want to get hurt once more from that one,
and after all I will definitely be able to perfectly avoid him,
yes I has been doing it,
I am on processing of avoiding that person,
but why I am the one who always feel awkward when I am on it,
seems like he knew that and it made me feel more awkward,
making me confused to distinguish with the condition.

I have to leave and ignore this,
it came and being exist without reason,
and I do for sure, I can hate him without reason too,
it just needs time.

But the question is why should I avoid and hate that person?
if the reason is about he is unreachable to be reached.
No that is not.
Let me try to think and get the answer.

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Sincerity must be exist in

Tell me how to accept this situation,
when I am dare to face up and growth,
when I start to understand and accept the condition,
when I come to realize that it is forbidden,
when I start to leave and try accepting to leave the one who have been being heartily,
when the sincerity is being trained,
Yes I am ready to leave, but yet this heart is able to throw away the feeling,
how can this mind and heart are so complicated.

That girl has so much words to shout out,
that girl has so much senses to disgorge,
that girl has so much questions which are needed to be answered,
she says she tired,
she is tired to stand and holding bullshit words,
no, she is not that tired, she does not give up exactly.
I do not know what is being in her mind.

I do not know what should be typed here, but she said she can not stop to type till her heart feels fine,
it must be the last day of typing about her feeling,
all she knows that he betrayed off all,
she told me that it must be the last time,
she will not ever remind, she will do deny, she will stand, step on her line.
Is that mean she has broken heart?
I tried to guess it and tell her, she answer no.. no it is not.

He said he loves her, he said he hearts her, he said he wants to spend the life with her, he said he want to grow up his children and have happy family with her.
Yes, he is.
She said that he had been trying to prove it, but he did not do anything honesty, all she knows that he betrayed for everything.
Till that thing happen again and she let her own self to avoid and go away from him.
She felt played for this long time pass by, but he did not mean that.
Yes she left him, she could not even forget him, then how dare she said that she was able to leave him.
She was trying, was dying to do that, God blessed she could accept and sincere, even yet full successfully.

It was January 16th 2013
He contacted and told her in all of sudden that he could not even not think about her,
even she never had words again like before she has been being always in his heart all the time,
it could not be denied that she was happy to get his confession, but
she was too much hurt, he made her so fragile, yes he is betrayal, best ever betrayal,
she just gave a short smile through text without much words and hold out not to fall and be weak in front of him,
giving rude words to answer his question and statement is her camouflage,
pretending that she is fine and alright,
pretending that she is strong and having some power to handle this,
pretending that everything is in line even without him.

I do not know what kind of girl she is,
all I know she can handle and fight it.

It was January 17th 2013
Still she has been trying to reach the full sincerity.
A phone rang, it is her cell phone, together alert of short messages

"Stay away from him, never contact him again..."

He gonna get married next month, in first week of February.
The single parent of one daughter who is being with and living together with him told her, that woman said that she has big jealousy to that girl, the woman told that she is having his baby in her womb,
it is about two months now.

That girl shocked, yes she did.
That girl was not jealous, that girl was like strong that moment, she just took a long breathe and little smile.
Seems sincerity has been staying inside of her.
She remind something but she did not tell it, just gave a little smile.
He was really not be able to be trusted.
Those were more than enough to know, she DO disappointed. I could not even imagine what has been being inside her.

I do not know what kind of girl she is,
all I know she can handle and fight it.

Why that woman was so worried to lose him, they are living together, close near to reach each other also she is having his baby in her womb, how could be that woman so jealous and hate her? she did nothing, that girl did not do anything. She never contacted him, nor asked him back.

The reason of why she left him before was about understanding that woman's feeling also.
She realize, nothing that could be given to him, but it was not that reason for truth,
long distance was not the reason of leaving him also,
they were trying to be and everything has been planned, but on the way reaching, he failed for temptation, which was quite really hurt her.
That girl was so in fragile, it was not just once he betrayed her and got her apologize.

Maybe it is the final time when she has to move on and get off from this rough part of life, a seed of life is growing in that single parent of seven years old daughter's womb, pregnancy before married,
that is quite hurt for that girl for uncountable times, but everything must be in line.
That girl has huge resentment probably, but a bad feeling should not be kept in.

Keep peace within heart is better, then bring it to another will be best,
yes, she is.
All she want is peacefully.

A Walk to Remember 
"Love is never boastful nor conceited,
it is never rude or selfish,
it does not take offense and it is not resentful.
Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth,
it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope.. and to endure.. whatever comes."

Also it is does not mean possess, to know someone whom we love happy there is more than enough,
even it is hard, but it has to be tried.
She said happily is not about we get everything that we want, sincerity is being exist in every each of life, while you realize it, happiness is in yours.

That was just a little story of life, four years of long distance relationship creating precious lessons of sincerity.

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Infinite

Dear happiness,
I thought that you have left her once she tried to avoid and leave him,
I thought that everything is turning dark when she started not to heart him again,
I thought that you will blame on her when decided to choose her way.

Dear happiness,
She tells me that she found you when she started to know him,
he is not that rich, he is not that handsome and he is not that moslem,
All I knew she has declared agreeing to have relation with him to make him understand how is precious his life,
he was always degrading himself as bad and unlucky man in this world.

Time by time,
she used to and always giving a little advise about how precious his self is,
till he could think and see that his self was not like in his mind,
till she felt near with and could receive his existing in herself,
he was good man, he was always creating a little happy smile of hers.

Senior high, bachelor degree till graduated,
They were still connected each other,
Till she realized that it is forbidden and may not to be continued.
No, it was not, the right story is not that.
That man betrayed his words, he hidden a thing,
he did not want lose his girl but he could not reject receiving the free services and teasing from woman whose one daughter.
How is embarrassing it... so f* d* embarrassing

Yes, she was broken.
Yes she was in fragile.
But overall she came realizing 1 : 0 = ~ 

Dear happiness,
I am happy as hers, with full of my awareness
happiness is not about stretching to the right and left of the lips,
happiness is not about when you are successfully reaching your goal,
happiness is not about the way you mean it,
happiness is a condition where you can accept the sincerity of everything,
one devided by zero is infinite.

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None knows

Actually this post has been established and shared on Dec 25, 2012 9:59 PM.
It id just caused of some error in the page of design of my blog, so I deleted the previous one and share it here.

She said, “Your boyfriend is coming”
That girl said, “Who is boyfriend? The one that always takes the rubbish, your mean?”

How is surprised, he is the one who is liked much by that girl, that girl doesn’t believe that she can like that boy much, he is the first man who can camouflage the sorrow of man that she always dreams.
She can not believe that how and why the feeling that she never expects suddenly exist in her own self. In her praying, she never prayed to fall in love or hearty to man who is younger than her.
Yes, it is. That girl just ended her relationship from her lovely one due to she saw there was another woman who would be able to create his smile and care there.

What happen with that girl today, she was mad in the afternoon, disappointed while leaving the office where she works. Yes maybe it was fault, she should not be together with him, she had to avoid him, she had to be able to accept that she may not like that boy much, yes she can, she manages those feeling, she remembers always that both are different, she tries always to make her right, to deny her heart that it’s just something like big load burden in her heart.

He is her friend, she likes her friend.
Before she always advices to herself that sincerely is needed in every aspect of life, she always pretends that everything is alright as long the sincerity exist.
Someone asked her, "Are not you jealousy, as you know best that, there are other girls who is interested with him and they ask about him to you?"
Her simple answer, liking someone, falling in love and hearty to the one is human right, we couldn’t  forbid anyone else not to like to the one who we like.

People said that it is not love if we can not reach and make him/her by our side, but she told that love is not like that, it is peace, it is sincere, love doesn’t mean possess, it is not a thing that can be owned, it is a thing that is kept deep inside, a thing that loveable, a thing that peace, warm and comforting the heart and mind, love is like Muhammad SAW loves his ummat.

No one knows what happen with her today..

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Sands

Dear ma sands,
I just came realize that I had been holding you for about more than four years,
I met you when I didn't know what the exactly means of life,
You came with your "DeadSoul" initial.
We started typing to arrange the words, then you said "Can I be your friend?"
Request sent and accepted be me.
Dear ma sands,
still I remember you used to say that you were unlucky man,
still I remember you used to think degrading yourself,
trying to make you understood that you were not,
do you still remember that?

You were gone,
You were gone and back, you back with "WAVE" initial.
I have lost you as my sands even I know that It is you "WAVE" who is I'm missing,
I have tried to find my sands in again.
Deep inside I still wanna hold you and walk through.
But sorry let me try to bury up what has been planned, my real sands had been gone long time before "WAVE".
You might know that I trusted you a lot,
but now your words mean nothing to me,
because your actions spoke the truth.

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Big Burden Inside

Something that I can’t confess that it’s …
Big burden faze this every each cell of my nerves…
Something that I can’t confess that it’s…
I don’t ask this and I never expect this…
All I know, it came like the wind, like the air which fulfilled breathing
It’s more than like a monster who comes and goes, it’s taking all part of me.

I don’t know why it is happen,
I just feel it, feeling so deep…
This is like a seed which is growing, taking root deep and naturally in me
Something which is always avoided by me,
Something which is always played safe by me before is exist and I can’t even deny
It’s like carrying away all of me
Does it mean affection getting going?
I’m not sure, just standing on the edge of time

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Hubbub

When you are young and vulnerable, emotional hurt is terrible with this experience,
it takes time to gather yourself and carry on,
but it's what you have to do,
as you said, starting from zero is the way forward,
experience will make you much stronger,
don't ever think that you'll be all alone forever,
because you won't be,
and don't give up on anything else that matters,
finding the true relationship feels like an never-ending task at times,
but that's bulls***

The secret is not to rush it, let it come to you because it will
what you do is carry on being you,
being beautiful and positive,
enjoying the fun times and learning from other times,
experience, one thing I do have
stepping forward from the negativity,
peace of mind comes by stepping back from everything
try and look at things from another person's view.

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